A Better Way

Dear, Surprised (or maybe not surprised) Reader,

So I lied. That was not a good way to end a blog. Depressing. No real resolution.

Let's try this again.

Part of big moves for my family is church shopping.

Let's have a moment of silence for the parts of so many souls that have died in the church shopping process.

Even the term leaves a bit of a puke taste in the mouth.  Church shopping? I am certain this is a term invented by Americans. But it is a very accurate term. It's a bit like puppy shopping. Which is hard to explain too. It should be happy! Easy! But there is something ... wrong ... about the whole thing. You so badly want a puppy. But the behind-the-scenes reality of how puppies come to be for sale is something you don't want to know about. The American church scene/divisions are embarrassing to Christianity. Yet here we are, contributing to the sectarianism with our rejection of church after church. But being involved in a great church - we want that! My best friends in the world have been made by church connections! And my Sunday mornings are way too precious! And my children..... it's so complicated.

We have had the usual unsuccess here in Jersey, church shopping, as well as the accompanying guilt and "what's the matter with us?!"

This past Sunday, we stumbled upon one with promise for us. Ok, "stumbled" is a completely inaccurate word to use. Jeff spent hours and hours on websites and combed through every last page and link on this one. We made a calculated visit to a well-researched place this past Sunday and actually might visit a second time.

How did this place make it through round one of the Rozelle Standardized Test for Churches?

-There is a big, huge garden right by the parking lot and there were people weeding it as we pulled up and as we left. Points given by me. I don't know if the church people keep stuff from it, but I know they give stuff out of it to their food pantry.
-They have a food pantry and other great ministries. This is a very outward-focused church.
-Super duper nice people. We got the warmest welcome ever that was not in the least bit creepy. And you could tell they were tight - they have real relationships with one another. They were nice to each other in all of the little ways people are not, often, in our society anymore.
-They did not chase us down, ask any contact information from us, but gave us ways to contact them and check out what they are about.
-There was coffee that could be brought into the meeting space. (Points from Jeff)
-There were lots of goodies (Points from Anna)
-Kids are important, part of the church family.
-There is diversity - economic, social, age, race (though not as much in the last one as I would hope).
-The worship, though not done by talented musicians, was not distracting and they did not try to overreach their talent and kept it simple and low-key. (Points from Tiff)
- The pastor had a relaxed, conversational style that made it seem unlike a sermon.
-The content of this conversation blew me away.

I won't get into everything that made this appealing to me, but I will share what I think is relevant for this space. The core message was something like wouldn't it be nice to have an advocate? Someone to go to bat for you, plead on your behalf, when you need it? We don't have a lot of real-life examples of that outside the professional realm and especially the legal system. But when we have experienced it, it's powerful. Jesus is our advocate. He has our backs, so we don't have to exhaust ourselves trying to constantly defend ourselves against anyone and everything, including God. Because of his advocacy, we don't have to worry about how we look in others' eyes, even God's. The result of this, once we understand, is that we can find true peace, rest, and security. We can find boldness to do things we wouldn't have had the courage and freedom to do. Like advocating for other people. Wouldn't that turn our world on its head, if people who called themselves Christians spent their time not covering their own asses, but advocating (not judging!) for the hurting people around us?!

All this to say that I realize that many of the things I wish I could take back over the past year, many of the hurts I have caused, many of the ways I have not done what I wished I would have, can be directly traced to me wholeheartedly being my own advocate. Especially since I advocate for myself in an exceptionally bitchy way. Any wedge I have caused in my marriage, friendships, relationships with my children can be linked to me worrying about defending myself. The kind of person I want to be is not that kind of person. The kind of person I want to be makes the world a better place for other people. The kind of person I want to be is generous and forgiving and open-hearted and minded.

Feminism at its best is about advocacy. Advocating for people who are given less-than status in some way. Christianity is too often not about that, and to hear this kind of message, at the heart of who Jesus is - an advocate, brings everything full circle for me. In recognizing how free I am to advocate for others because I have been, am being, advocated for, is the key to Christianity and Feminism working together for good in my life. Or losing those labels all together and saying this is who I am meant to be.

I wish you courage, freedom, rest, hope, and the joy of becoming the best version of who you are meant to be.

With love,
Tiffany

jmatrozelle@yahoo.com
http://www.tiffanysattempt.blogspot.com/

Time to Let Go

This morning I read a most beautiful post on a friend's facebook page. I very rarely read anything truly profound on facebook, but this morning her post was lovely in every way. One facet of her writing described how she surrendered to a recent life-changing experience and is discovering what it means to let go of her normal expectations and orientation of her life.  Besides being grateful for the beauty imparted by her story, some things finally broke through the surface of my personal life.

Why have I been living life as if there is some big test I will have to pass? As if everything will be evaluated. I can be a gross underachiever, but mostly I am an overachiever. If there are grades, I want an A plus. If there is a race shirt that names the event and underneath has "Marathon, Half Marathon, 5K" I sure as hell will not be running the 5K and probably will only run the marathon. And I will want a PR.  And to be in the top 25% of my age category. I want to be referred to as a good wife and mother. On employee evaluations I want the highest possible scores and of course the highest possible raise. I want to bring a dish that I bring none of home.

This is ruining me - my character. Chipping away at my marriage. Probably alienating friends. Sending my daughters messages that the standards they must aspire to are impossible to reach but they should, at much personal cost, try to reach them anyway.

In Ecclesiastes there is a well-worn passage about a season for everything. A time to be born and die, keep and throw away, speak and keep silent, etc. I have realized what season this is for me. 

It is time to let go.

Let go of trying so hard, competing, worrying, keeping score, trying to figure it all out and do it all.

In the dark and putrid recesses of my heart, I have felt that it is so noble of me to be doing this move for my husband. This is all for his benefit, the nasty hidden me thinks, and he really owes me so much.

As if Providence does not move in ways that all lives are touched and I stand alone untouched as a pillar of sacrifice.  This move, I think, shifted the bedrock of my life in order to jar me into seeing that I need to save me from myself. And/Or save those I love from myself. 

This will be the last entry on this blog. At this point in my timeline, it is part of what I need to let go of. I will continue to chronicle my family's life on An Attempt  .  Thank you for riding along and I hope that your time here has enhanced your life in some way.  I wish you good things as you journey forward.

Men in Aprons: My 8 Year Old's Opinions on Marriage

 My 8 year old announced today that when she grows up and gets married she does not want to get stuck with all the "lady" chores like cleaning the house and doing the laundry.

My high schooler responded, "Well, those things are cultural. It's not like a rule that girls have to do them."
"You mean I don't have to do them?" 8 year old sister was very happy but skeptical...
I entered the conversation: "You can tell your future husband that you would like him to do half the chores and you to do half the chores and you can negotiate."
(Not that I am a very good example of how this could work, which is why my kid had the notion of "lady chores" in the first place...)
My 8 year old laughed, "Ha! Maybe he could wear an apron and do ALL those chores!"
Her sister joined in her laughter. As I was about to interject something about fairness, my  8 year old said, "But I would not want him to wear one of those aprons that says 'Kiss the Cook' on it!"