Is That What I Sound Like?

My youngest daughter recently discovered that the way her voice sounds to others is not the way she hears it in her head. I remember when this happened to my older daughter, and even myself as a kid.  The discovery is accompanied by disbelief and then almost disgust.  "That's NOT what I sound like! Is it?" Each kid then went through a stage when they did not want to hear a recording of their voice.  They preferred not to be confronted with reality.

There is nothing a person can do about this. The acoustics of hearing your voice from inside your own head will never be the same as hearing them from the world outside your head.

This happens in many areas of life when exercising our faith and passions or carrying out responsibilities. Also recently, I discovered that my daughter's view of me as a mother is quite different than my own view of me as a mother.  I knew this was so, I just did not realize HOW this operated.  I assumed it was that I thought I was cooler than she thinks I am, which I was pretty sure was not at all. That I am dumb and clueless and she is smart and savvy.

Nope.  How about that she thinks I am always unhappy with her, and that I am difficult to please. And I thought I was so gracious and accepting.

Ouch.  More than ouch.  Heartbreak.  Especially when my husband has been aware of this.  And who knows who else.  I suspect many people, from the way my friends are always saying, "Tiff, you know she's a great kid, right?"

This mismatch of the way I hear my voice and the way others hear my voice occurs far too often.  I think I am a good ____.  And then I see someone else get the offer I was hoping for and it dawns on me that others do not share the same opinion.  Of course, my temptation is to say "Well, I AM a good ____ and they just don't see it" and carefully arrange circumstances so that I don't have to face reality.

I took voice lessons as a teenager.  While one can never know exactly what one's voice sounds like unless by hearing a recording, I had to learn how to change the quality of my voice to match what my instructor required of me. When you learn anything new, you are worse for awhile before you get better.  I always had a good ear, but I struggled through a period of time when I sang consistently sharp.  One day it finally clicked, and I went back to having good pitch and being able to tinker with all those other adjustments I was learning to make. 

In most of life, the stakes are usually much higher, as in the case of being a mother.  There are natural tendencies I am stuck with that I just have to learn to adjust around.  I can pretend things are fine - the problem is with everyone else.  Or I can open myself to critique and dig in and work hard to change what could be better. Which is usually worth it. The silliest thing would have been for my kids to start refusing to talk because they did not like the way their voices sounded in the ears of others. 

Sometimes, we know we sound good and someone is just way off base or jealously motivated to be untruthfully mean.  In which case you shake it off. Which is why it is important to develop a good sense. Because we can also learn to be hyper-sensitive so that we are ineffective and gun-shy and never develop the courage to exercise our voices. 

 We can march ignorantly ahead in the same dissonant fashion or quiet our voices at the barbs of our critics.  Or we can develop a relationship with trusted mentors and peers who are practicing as we are, who will give us helpful feedback and support.  Teachers who will guide us through the process of change, and honest friends who will praise or hold our hand when needed.

Why am I telling you this? Because we need the assurance that we are not the only one who got passed over for a promotion or who did not get asked to serve on the committee or whose submission got rejected.  Good singers don't always get the lead role. I might even still be an ok mom, because, after all, who lovingly dresses the track burn wounds or waits in dressing rooms in the mall for hours? (That's called "self pep talking").  None of us have perfected the upgraded version.  But that doesn't mean we don't stop trying to work the kinks out.