Maybe you noticed this wasn't up when it was supposed to be? Um, I totally forgot. And then I went camping. I'm so sorry! I guess on the bright side, it's nice to have a summer where the days run together and I never know what the date is?
Well, here it is. Better late than never?
Nan is going through some changes. Changes that have happened over time. Changes that have been coming for a while. Changes that ultimately cause her to "run away," as she puts it. She leaves on a whim. She comes across a journal, buys it, and leaves the next morning on a cross-country journey.
Well, here it is. Better late than never?
Nan is going through some changes. Changes that have happened over time. Changes that have been coming for a while. Changes that ultimately cause her to "run away," as she puts it. She leaves on a whim. She comes across a journal, buys it, and leaves the next morning on a cross-country journey.
There are things about Nan and I that are clearly different. She is in a different stage of life. Her child is grown. She's in a different income bracket. She's in a different generation. She's experiencing physical changes that I haven't yet.
But those differences aren't what I noticed most about Nan. What resonated with me in her were the ways that we were the same.
Nan wants to be seen. She wants validation. She wants her youth to stick around. She's a mother who loves mightily, but she has regrets about her parenting. She is touched by beauty and wants to share it with those around her. She is a wife. She isn't that great at dealing with change. She is moved by ordinary moments in her life and remembers them vividly.
Change was definitely a predominant theme in this work. Dealing with change. The inevitability of change. I am, like Nan, not a person who embraces or even likes change. But it's just a part of life. I heard once that all change is loss, even changes that are good. No matter what the change, something is left behind. And in order to fully move on, you have to mourn that loss, whatever it was.
Nan talks about aging as a punishment. A crime, even. What have we done that we deserve this loss of our youth, our looks, our figures?
But then, Nan says something that, in my mind, spun the perspective right around. "I am every age I ever was and I will always be." Aging, rather than a continual act of loss, can be seen as a continual gain. I am the five-year-old me and the thirteen-year-old me and the twenty-six-year-old me and the thirty-four-year-old me. And I'll still be all those mes when I'm the fifty-year-old me.
Eugenie, sitting on the porch of her farmhouse, shelling peas, left behind by all those she knew and loved in her youth and even middle age, offers Nan a concise conclusion. The final word that Nan has discovered on her own, but maybe hasn't been able to summarize. Life is about the people. About sharing experiences. About embracing the change that is inevitable in life so that it doesn't kill you. She validates Nan's experiences of being moved to tears by ordinary beauty. She gives Nan a picture of the beauty of aging. The loveliness in letting go.
What a lovely post, Amanda! The relevance of women in our culture fighting aging when it would be so much easier on us and more beautiful to embrace it is a growing of ourselves. We want to be 25 again, in looks, maybe even in recreational activities of life stage and such - but would I want to BE 25 year old me again? No, I wouldn't. I'm a deeper. mellower, richer, more confident soul now. I loved that idea of Nan's as well:)
ReplyDeleteI also thought that was an interesting concept in relation to motherhood as well. We simultaneously want our kids to get to the next and supposedly easier stage while wanting them to "stay little." Nan's daughter is past the "freeze them right now" stage - she has flown. Maybe it's because one of mine is turning 13 soon, but I felt for Nan's sense of loss. What is it REALLY like when your kids are out of your house for good? Yet that's a necessary change too, and the whole point of parenting is to get that helpless lump of baby to the point where they are a contributing member of society.
And we can't forget Martin:) I read some reviews that called Martin "an overbearing tyrant," which I think makes it even more important to read Martin's letter to Nan. Because we see people through our eyes and don't get to see out of theirs. I love how Martin's letter emphasized that he felt things too - when he asked Nan if she knew that often he would just watch their daughter sleeping. "I SEE it Nan!" :) I thought it was important to hear his point of view - I don't think he's a tyrant at all. He's a guy. As a wife, mom, "feminist" it's important to remember the other perspective, and not make assumptions about other's viewpoints or experiences.
With my kids, I definitely have those flashes of knowing that I'm not always going to be the person who knows them best. It hit me when Owen went to kindergarten. There were things in his day that I had no idea about. I was completely at his mercy in what he wanted to share with me. And I know that is what it means when they leave. You're no longer the person who knows them best. I guess it's a gradual thing too, though. They go away to school all day, they withdraw emotionally a bit. All part of a natural growing process, but change, and therefore loss.
ReplyDeleteI know! I didn't even mention Martin! (I couldn't figure out a seamless way to work him in!) I love that the author created this balance. This "other side of the coin." I felt like it kind of took the romantic notions of Nan and grounded them.
I hadn't read anything about Martin being a tyrant! I wonder if he didn't strike me that way because, the first time I read these, I read "Martin's Letter to Nan" first. Martin struck me as a reasonable fellow. The time when he was on his way to a meeting and Nan said she needed more romance...I felt for him. Honestly, what was he to do? And I recognized that I had done this to my husband as well. Made outlandish requests at the wrong times. Not to say that Nan shouldn't have her feelings validated. But there is the practicality of life.
Just a little soapbox tangent...that's what I hate about romantic comedies. I feel like they can give girls and women an unrealistic picture of love and marriage. Maybe that was just me? I don't think they're "bad" but I think it's important, at least for me, to keep in mind...these are the movies.
My favorite Martin comment was when he called Nan a "culture Nazi." Thanks for throwing that reference in there, Tiff. :)
Amanda, that last paragraph in the post sums it up for me. So much of our lives are spent searching for "happiness" when often what makes us happy is often within reach, within us.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I would have liked the book as much if I hadn't read Martin's response. This should be a pair of books handed to couples at the beginning of a marriage! It wonderfully illustrates that "your" way of thinking and dealing with a situation isn't the only way. That is how you get a marriage to work, by being able to empathize, but also holding onto what is important to you.
Yes, romcoms are truly outrageous, but movies are *supposed* to be a break from reality. Now, if they were put into the same setting as "Cowboys & Aliens," maybe we'd be able to better distinguish between real life and Hollywood!