How Do I Look in This Shade of Gray?

There are lots of changes in our household as a result of my husband's diagnosis, added to those that we are still trying to adjust to as a result of my still-new career.  My identity shifts so much that I am having a devil of a time balancing and staying on my feet.  With the new "normal" comes some decisions that cause me to wonder if the way I am actually living is consistent with my character (or what I thought was my character).

My husband, as a political enthusiast who is on rest, has had the television tuned into coverage of the Republican election hoopla close to 24/7.  There is a lot of talk about flip-flopping and moral character and adherence to party values and such.  The candidates love to point out inconsistencies between one another's actions and words.  This has fed into my examination of my own tarnished record, so to speak.

It's a question I have wrestled with a lot as I travel through adulthood, because it is very difficult to live up to ideals.  Making real life work often requires the moving of lines drawn in the sand.  My favorite quote in all the world about parenting came from one of Jeff's former colleagues, delivered when we were talking about what we end up doing in the middle of the night to get our babies to go to sleep: "those lines we draw... it is after all, just sand."  We feed them when we said we weren't going to, give them pacifiers we took away, bring them to bed against our pediatrician's advice, etc.  We might have had really strong convictions about these things at 3pm.  But at 3 am, the world looks like a very different place.  Just as the world of parenting looked so much different from the non-kid side.

When I wrote the MLK day post, for instance, I wondered if people would think I believe I've made flawless choices in building bridges for those on "lonely islands of poverty."  I have not.  When my husband and I moved to Syracuse we made a decision to live out in a suburb.  It just about killed me, the idea that I was deliberately choosing to contribute to what goes on in our urban deserts in order to benefit my own children.  Real life presented me with a situation: I had a sensitive 6th grade girl about to start middle school in a brand new state, and I could put her in a safe school with good ratings and a good orchestra or I could put her in one where only 40% of the students graduate, extra-curricular activities are dismal, and not one person could assure me she would not be assaulted in the hallways every day.

Real life is a negotiation between what actually works and what we wish could work.  There are many times parents say, "Before I was a parent, I said I was never going to _____. And now look at me."  That is not just true for parenting.  As a feminist, I have felt hypocritical about taking the luxury of staying home with my children in their pre-school years, and am trying to determine whether I am oppressing or providing a good job for a woman by considering getting someone to clean my house for me now that I have a career. And who do I think I am that I am considering not cleaning my own house anyway?  It's not like I'm a lawyer or have 4 kids under age 5 or live in 4.000 sq. feet.  The nutrition standards I would like to adhere to do not seem attainable at the moment. I see myself backing off of more and more church commitments, which nicely contributes to Christian guilt.  I wonder if I'm being a bad wife by considering going to work tomorrow or a bad employee for considering calling off again.

How do we live with ourselves, when we make decisions that go against our beliefs?  Are we hypocrites for erasing those lines in the sand and drawing new ones, or simply battle-tested soldiers trying to stay alive?  A little of both, I would venture to guess.

 The trick to the functionality of our bones is their ability to be both flexible and strong.  If they were totally inflexible, they would shatter at our slightest movement.  If they were rubbery, they could never support us enough to let us stand up.  Their usefulness lies in the combination of both qualities.  But what's the formula where perfect balance is achieved?

I think it's ok, as well, to run the results against a litmus test of sorts. Otherwise we can justify anything we decide to do.  We may find some of our decisions still bother us, even if we would make the same ones again.  Or maybe we can find ways to offset our carbon output, so to speak. We learn every time we hold ourselves accountable for our decisions. So I would love to hear from you.  I find these conversations important, and would love to hear about how you have chosen your own personal shade of gray.