New Life

There should be two feet of snow still on the ground. That was the coherent thought that pushed to the forefront of her brain as her eyes followed her daughters around the park.  Nothing about this winter had been typical, however, including the weather.  The sun penetrated unusually warm through bare tree limbs, the way spring sun does in a more Southern climate.  The effect made Tracy feel as though she were transported back to one of those more Southern springs of an earlier decade, which was not an altogether pleasant sensation. She was more recently used to Northern springs where leaves sprout in the slightest warm up and when the sun picks up any kind of strength, the shade filters it.  

There had been lots of bickering in the house this morning, and it seemed to be continuing into this afternoon at the park.  Her youngest daughter was stomping towards her with an exaggerated frown that foretold of tattling.  Tracy sighed and waved her away with a tired, “I don’t want to hear about it or we’ll go home.” Lucy turned on her heel and began stomping back towards her sister, probably to announce the injustice of Mom not listening to her.  

There were many other families taking advantage of the unusual spring-like weather in what was technically still winter.  The park was packed with families in a way Tracy was unused to.  Perhaps that was because in the past, Tracy only visited this neighborhood park during the week.  When she had been a stay-at-home mom, there were bigger excursions on the weekend, and this playground was a time filler for weekdays only.  The sight of all of these families trying to have fun and enjoy the weather somehow depressed her.  Ridiculous!  Maybe she was projecting; her attempt to do something fun with the girls this afternoon was not turning out quite as uplifting as she hoped it would be.

“Mom!” This was her oldest, running up to her with urgency.  Tracy squinted into the sunlight, puzzled.  Nothing seemed obviously wrong.  There was no telling what her quirky eldest would find bothering her.  “Have you seen the creek? What is all of that disgusting green stuff in it?”

There was a clear creek that ran through the park.  It was always very cold, no matter what the temperature, as it originated in one of the glacier-formed lakes not 10 miles away.  It was a popular place to wade in the summer, and one of the highlights of coming to the park for Tracy’s children.  As Tracy walked over, her heart sank as the sight of unending green glowed under the surface of the moving water.  She noticed some boys downstream fishing huge swaths of the slimy matter with fallen tree branches.  

“Is it safe to wade in?” Isabelle pushed her glasses up until they jammed against the bridge of her nose.

Tracy shrugged, “I don’t know.  It is gross, though.  I wouldn’t get in it.”

“I don’t mind it,” Lucy announced, coiled and ready to spring into the water.  Tracy shot out a hand to restrain her. 

“No, Luce.  Let’s stay out of it today.”

Her two daughters responded in unison. Lucy, wailing loudly: “Maaamaa! That’s the whole reason I wanted to come here!” and Isabelle, frantically: “Will it stay like this all summer, Mama?  Will we ever get to wade in it again? Why is it like that Mama?”

“Lucy, we can go home if you keep it up.” Story of our lives, Tracy thought. “Isabelle, I really don’t know.  Maybe it’s algae bloom.”

“Why does the algae grow, Mama?” Isabelle continued to maintain her habit of slamming her glasses up against the bridge of her nose.  Tracy wondered how there wasn’t a permanent bruise there.

“Well, maybe fertilizer and pesticides and weed killer from people’s lawns, or something like that got into the water and threw off the equilibrium.” I sound like Jim, she heard in her head, as if the thought came from someone else.

“People wouldn’t do that on purpose, would they, Mama?  They don’t know that stuff is going in the water, right?” Isabelle’s faith in the goodness of the human condition was unwavering.  

“Probably not.” Tracy, as usual, chose to let her daughter’s innocence carry on. It seemed more humane than bringing her own current cynicism crashing in on her child’s party.

“I’ll bet it’s because we didn’t have winter this year,” Isabelle hypothesized.  Lucy had snuck upstream and managed to fall in. She was casting furtive looks over at Tracy and Isabelle, wringing out her wet soccer shorts and trying to look as if she was casually strolling over towards a sunny set of swings.  

“Whatcha mean, Love?” Tracy chose to ignore Lucy.  

“Well, we didn’t have all that snow this year.  The creek didn’t get cleaned out.”

“Ohhh - you mean because it didn’t freeze?”

Isabelle continued before Tracy had finished, “Maybe the algae always tries to grow but winter usually knocks it out.  It’s too cold and stuff for it to grow.”  Isabelle looked pleased with herself, and assured that she had found the reason.  “And Dad said he didn’t need winter!”  She tossed her long hair and ran after Lucy.

Tracy was disappointed with the condition of this lovely creek.  It was another sign that things were different, and not really for the better.  Just as she couldn’t take her daughters here during happy summer break weekdays anymore, the creek-wading days might be over as well.  Just as the entire happy family doing something fun on Saturday times were gone too.  

Tracy was surprised that she wasn’t an obvious mess.  She would’ve thought that her husband leaving her would’ve caused her a great deal more sadness and anger, and that maybe she would’ve been a nervous wreck.  He had moved out around the holidays, even, and she had allowed herself one good cry or two before moving into a resolve to not just survive, but thrive.  She moved into working full time again relatively smoothly, and the switch to single parenthood, while difficult, was manageable. 

Except on days like today when she had to be fun and play with her kids.  Had she become incapable of doing this?  She could navigate the busyness of weekdays like a champ, but unscheduled weekend time with the kids....there seemed to be a disconnected wire inside that prevented her from enjoying that anymore.  Maybe the part of her that turned off in effort to pull through the divorce was connected to that. Right now she should be basking in a lazy afternoon at the park and instead all she could think about was needing to do yard work or go to the grocery.  Maybe it was easier to focus on what needed to be done every day than it was to explore her feelings.  She really hadn’t spent much time doing that.  She was known as an over-analyzer, a person who talked out everything.  In fact, this had exhausted Jim.  Ironically, now that it didn’t matter, she couldn’t talk or analyze or even think through whether or not she missed him.  Her heart was probably quite a mess if she started really looking into it.  She didn’t want to.  She preferred to stick with the view that showed how tough she had been, and how capable. 

She called to Isabelle and Lucy.  It was time to walk home, she decided.  They had played for over an hour, and she had to give the dog a bath, see to it that the kids got baths, make dinner, and throw in another load of laundry.  She promised the whining girls ice cream sundaes if they cooperated, they stopped whining, and the three of them began the uphill walk home.