Yesterday as I was grabbing dinner out with the kids on a busy evening, I was acutely aware of all the women in their business attire and I felt like I needed to say, "Yeah, this isn't really me anymore, this shorts-on-a-weekday thing."
It's interesting how we form our personal identity based on transient things that are not intricately attached to our souls. When I transitioned to being a career mom, I found myself floundering in identity uncertainty. "Wait - the person I am makes everything from scratch! I don't buy lots of "stuff'! I don't eat out a lot! This is not who I am, this eating-out, convenience food, materialistic woman!" When we moved into our current house I felt a shift in identity, "Wait - I'm the person who walks or bikes! I am not this suburban dweller who owns a snow-blower and lawn mower and garage-door opener!" Now that I have ended my term at my job, I find myself adjusting identities again: "Wait - who is this person watching Soul Pancake clips with my teenager at 9 am? Why am I in shorts on a Tuesday afternoon? Why am I re-constructing my own resume - I am the person whose job it is to help other people with their resumes!"
Is that really all that defines me - job title and attire, dwelling and location, food consumption, exercise, etc.? Or is who I am more: loyal friend, adventurous wife, loving mama, etc.? Sometimes I wonder if what we primarily use to define us serves to draw lines between us that ruin our ability to be in real, honest community and therefore indulge in satisfying soul-friendships. "Oh, I'm a stay-at-home granola mom who grows her own food; so sorry that you are a career mom who drives a hummer and feeds your kids Happy Meals. We are very different." Really? Or are we both nervous about whether or not our kids will adjust to high school and find friends to sit with in the cafeteria, lonely because it seems we don't have time to invest in our own female friendships, worried about our aging parents, and nervous that our husbands will no longer think we're so attractive as the crows feet and back fat accumulates? Do we cancel the common denominator of womanhood and humanity by the way we form our identities?
Moving will inevitably change parts of my identity again: living arrangements, job, etc. What is the identity gold that will emerge from the refining process?
I have struggled with this identity thing for five years - since the day I became a full-time stay-at-home mom. That's a lot of hyphens, sorry. Once of my working friends came to pick up her kids that I was watching for a few hours yesterday. She looked so professional in her business attire. I looked frumpy in my ratty capris and t-shirt. There was a hint of jealousy as I remembered my previous identity. Back when I still had control of my day and my productivity. Why is it so hard? I don't want to waste these years with my little ones yearning to be somewhere else. Hoping I can treasure the good moments in the middle of the chaos.
ReplyDeleteI hope your move goes smoothly, if that's possible!