Our (Sick) Days Are Numbered

My husband and I played our first real high stakes game of "who takes the sick day to stay home with the sick kiddo?"

After a really big day for my sweet little girl, who bravely made it through her interpretive dance and the Sunday School Christmas play in truly admirable fashion, she came home looking suspiciously flushed and glassy eyed. When we offered to take her out for dinner to celebrate she didn't seem interested and mentioned that her head hurt.  Fever.  Poor thing wore herself out.

Jeff lost the coin toss.  Because he can grade papers from home - classes are out for the semester.  And honestly, he seems to be fighting what she's got.  He's been out like a light before 9 every night this weekend.  A day home might do him so good.

I feel an even more exaggerated panic around sickness in the house now.  6 sick days for 2 kids and a mom?! The HR rep when going over my benefits packet sweetly lamented that we can't roll our sick days over.  Oh, no worries about that. I'll be using those babies up by spring.

I also feel a little sad that I won't be the one babying my baby tomorrow.  Although, again, Daddy will be just fine for the job.  I always feel sorry for the kids when they are down for the count with fevers, though.  There's always this little worry in the back of my mind that it's something really serious.

And the prospect of me catching what they've got is just as frightening as ever.  Because no matter what kind of mom you are, the world never stops for sick mamas...

A Good Friend

My 13 year old has a really sweet group of friends.  She has a surprisingly big network of nice friends, but in particular I am speaking of her cluster of 4 good buddies.  They are very silly, but very supportive of one another.  My daughter got a text at 8:00 last Saturday morning from one of them wishing her good luck on her all-county orchestra audition.  They decided to do a little secret Santa lunch party on the last day before break.  That kind of thing.

Today we Rozelles pulled out a marathon shopping afternoon.  On the Saturday before Christmas. Further initiation into the world of 2 career families with a busy teenager. While I was selecting a birthday card for my dad, my daughter said "I would like to buy this for (one of her buddies whose parents just divorced)."  It was a supportive "so things have been rough, hang in there" kind of card.  She bought it with her own money and said she was going to have the other 2 buddies sign it.

When I see evidence of my children's true compassion, I feel a sense of deep peace.  Partly because they display character and give us a reason to hope in our future generations. But I also love to see this group of girls forming a supportive community, a safe haven in their turbulent adolescent world.  I love it.  She's going to be ok, my girl.  When life gets ugly, she will know how to draw on the strength of her circle of girlfriends.  And even more wonderful, she already knows how to give of herself to bolster the spirits of others. She knows how to be a good friend.

Power to the People

Soooo... I thought I knew what busy was:) Have to give ya a quick update before I plunge in; my little one has transitioned well to her new arrangement!  She did inform me that if we needed after school arrangements for her, she would like to go to her reading specialist's house:)

Ok, I want to finish up the description of Visions For Change with the community piece.  Even though it is my employer and the consumer of 80% of my time and energy, we need to move on.

On the second Thursdays of the month, a group of representatives from the community that my boss has invited and assembled meets, along with the Circle Leaders (the participants in our program who are trying to get to a better place in life).  We discuss what barriers are in the community that make it difficult for people in poverty who are making good choices on an individual basis.  On our coalition we have the executive director from countless non-profit agencies and businesses around the city,some pastors and ex-CEO's too, and of course the staff and our participants. The top 5 broad barriers everyone agrees need addressing and are working on are transportation, childcare, healthcare, jobs, and housing. 

It's amazing what happens whena group of powerful people put their heads together.  It's amazing what happens when the powerless get a chance to contribute, or dare I say guide, the discussion. I think I've put this post off because I had a hard time wondering how I could narrow down all of the things I wanted to share into a readable length.  So I picked just a few.

The commissioner of DSS came to listen to Circle Leader concerns.  When has a person on public assistance had the opportunity to have the full attention of the guy in charge?  My fellow Circles Coach and I prepped our participants ahead of time, helping them put their concerns on paper and honing them into a rational little speech and then practicing their presentation.  They did a great job. He listened respectfully, gave honest feedback, and is tackling some hefty change as a result of his encounter.  He has offered to return to give and get updates and keep the conversation open. 

You know I have had a long time beef with Centro, the bus system here.  I'm not the only one: it was the top concern and target of the coalition.  I wrote earlier that I missed the coalition meeting when a board member from Centro was present.  By a stroke of luck (for me), my boss was sick the day she was scheduled to meet with the executive director of Centro and that board member, so I got to fill in.  My co-worker did all of the necessary schmoozing and I played the devil's advocate (a nice one, though).  We walked away from the meeting not sure if we accomplished much of anything.  The next morning we received a call from someone directly beneath him who handles all of the day-to-day stuff and had a meeting with her earlier this week.  While I don't think things will drastically change for our clients, we did get some tools and ideas to pass on to them that should make their lives a little easier. Most importantly, I learned that some people at Centro, like this woman we met with, really care about people too.  We gained information that helped me understand that it isn't greed and negligence that are responsible for the shortcomings of the bus system.  70% of Centro's costs are subsidized.  The Ride-to-Work program that is free and available to folks for the first 90 days of a new job outside of the bus route or scheduling costs Centro $41 per ride.  Centro has been forced to cut staffing and busses and therefore routes by 20% in the past few years.  Why?  Because the middle class doesn't need the bus.  20 years ago, there were 5 full express routes into my neighborhood that took people straight downtown in 20 minutes.  Now, everyone drives.  Except poor people. I, of course, had to press the issue with the director that he needed to make riding the bus more attractive to middle class customers again - what is the critical balance between enough convenient and quick routes offered to middle class workers and losing tons of money trying?  He didn't really want to have that discussion.  With me anyway. Imagine:) But I looked him in the eye and told him that my family was a one car family in East Lansing and tried to be in Syracuse - but that 1 hour bus ride one way (not including the 9/10 of a mile to walk to the stop and the time to transfer downtown) was not something an SU professor was willing to sacrifice when he could be walking into his office after a 25 minute car commute.  I didn't know Audacity was one of my middle names either.

Anyway, it is wonderful to have the opportunity to work for change on a larger scale for my clients and community.  We Circles Coaches are trying to make connections to large employers to get our participants a foot in the door, showing employers the benefit of the program and learning what kinds of skills and support our clients need to be equipped with.  We have a meeting with the CEO of Upstate, the hospital and SUNY med school in Syracuse to set up some sort of career exploration project between us, for instance. 

When I opened up the blog today to start writing, the title caught my eye and I thought about the place I am now.  It's less that I've reinvented myself and more that I am actually becoming the person that in my heart, I knew was longing to break out.  What about you? 

Ourselves, Emerging?

Anything I Can Do, He Can Do... And Let's Not Worry About Better

It looks like we will be a 2 career family as of December 5.  While I am VERY excited about taking the position, I take it with the knowledge that I have never really had a career.  I've had full time jobs, but not a career.  Other than stay-at-home mom.  So perhaps more accurately, I'm switching careers.  My poor dog doesn't know that the number of walks he takes is getting drastically cut yet again.  My kids are a little nervous.  I'm doubting my ability to be even more dedicated in order to fit in running, and I am nervous about the quality of food my family will be consuming. I don't see a lot of homemade granola in our future anymore.  And while I know it's generous, 3 weeks vacation doesn't seem like nearly enough...

My husband, however, has been nothing but supportive.  In fact, he's the one who urged me to take the job now rather than waiting until January.  "You'll work like a dog for them anyway all month and not get paid - I know you!" he kept saying.  "You may as well get paid." Yesterday, he offered to be the one to come home and get our first grader off the bus, and so we did a trial run of what will be my "worst" day schedule-wise, where I will work straight through until 8:30 pm. 

I don't give my husband a lot of credit in the home-making department.  I've always pretty much hated the way he does housework and so did it all myself.  That, obviously, will have to change. The laundry can't wait for a week while I am on a business trip in Salt Lake City this spring. 

Last night, I came home to a sleepy little girl halfway to dreamland.  But she'd had a bath! And her homework folder had been checked! My big kid was in the shower, and her homework was done too.  They'd been fed something mostly nutritious (I didn't ask about vegetables).  Most of the dishes had been done and the table and food cleared.  I didn't dare ask if anyone had paid attention to the dog (though when my daughter emerged from the shower, reported that she had!), and the lunchboxes, I discovered unemptied by the front door.  A load of dark laundry had been done, but it waited for me untouched in the drier. 

I so badly wanted to snip that "doing the laundry" means folding it and putting it away too.  But that would be a bad move in this new world order.  Instead, I said, "Honey, will you get that laundry out of the drier and start folding it?  I'll help you put it away."  You know what? Sometimes I leave the clothes in the drier too.  AND forget to check the homework folder. And that pan in the sink totally needed soaking overnight.

In order to make 2 career families work, feminism has to factor in.  Not just the "women can have careers too!" part, but the "men can do housework and take care of kids too!" side as well.  It will be difficult for me to drop my littlest off at before-school childcare the first time.  But it is more than ok that half of the days after school, Daddy will be the one there to greet her when she gets off the bus.  She's actually lucky to have her father so involved in her life.  Really, I wonder if my children know they hit the jackpot when it comes to dads? I keep looking to feminism to remind me that Dad and Mom are equally capable of many of the same things.  And to Christianity - nope - to Jesus to remind me that I am not the only one who loves my children.  It's more important that they have both of us in their lives, and that we are working together to make our family run smoothly, however that happens to be at any given moment in time.

My husband asked me to do a poll of how often working-outside-the-home-women I know wash their wood floors.  He's convinced I wash them more.  He can't be right all of the time, can he? In the name of feminism, ladies, lie to me and say your husband washes them more than once a week;)

Full to Overflowing

Hi, I'm Tiffany.  I used to write posts for this blog. I'm just a little bit busy. This is not the only neglected relationship or responsibility of mine. It stands in line with other things suffering.

This is actually a very rich time in my life right now.  My head is spinning with all I have to do, but also with sheer amazement at the meaningful things I get to be involved in at the moment. It gets difficult when I have to choose one great thing over another great thing going on simultaneously.

We hosted girls from Uganda again last week.  It was a beautiful experience, just as it was last time.  My kids shined.  I can't really explain that, except to say that sometimes I find myself in awe when the depth of their character shows itself.  I felt guilty, however.  Other families were able to drop everything and really show their guests a great time (like we did last spring).  We are in a season where we are so busy I almost said we couldn't host.  We loved every minute of our time with them, but I found myself hoping they didn't feel as if they got a raw deal getting assigned to us.  You don't have to tell me this was a dumb way for me to feel.  But I did feel that way.

My boss actually let me off Thursday night so that I could be a part of the pre-concert meal my teen missions group (another wonderful thing I get to be a part of - I was so proud of our team that night!) was putting on for the choir, and I was able to enjoy the performance and say good-bye to the girls we hosted.  I knew, however, that I was missing a powerful meeting at work.  Just like I knew I was missing good time with the girls when I was doing powerful things at work.  I found out it was an unbelievably productive meeting that night.  One of my pet projects laced throughout my work in Syracuse has been addressing the ineptitude of the bus system.  Two representatives from Centro came to the Coalition meeting (yeah, I haven't told you about the fabulous work Visions For Change does on a macro level yet...) and really listened to concerns.

I was tempted to be upset that I missed ... but I was really glad I went to the Ugandan choir's performance.  And then it hit me.  Do you know how lucky you are, girl, to be a part of so many amazing things?  It doesn't matter if I missed the meeting - it happened.  It's something that is important to me.  And I will be able to continue to be a part of that discussion and that change.

I have always, always wanted to really do something about poverty.  All kinds.  Lately I've been able to be a part of witnessing byTavi catch like wildfire in Syracuse, and was part of an event that raised over $2,000 for those women.  I've seen the winds of change blowing in Syracuse and agencies working together like never before to remove barriers to families struggling to climb out of poverty.  I've seen change in individual's lives who I work with.  I've watched people throw themselves into caring for AIDS orphans across the ocean. My own children are in the thick of this too, throwing their own punches at poverty and discrimination.

Blows. Me. Away. I know what it means to have my heart be overflowing.

Volunteers Make the Circle Go 'Round

It's a coincidence that Tuesday was the day I picked to spotlight organizations; Tuesday is also when my Circles workshop is held.  Last Tuesday was discouraging, so I didn't have it in me to write.  Part and parcel of the work. It is a difficult to thing to completely change one's habits and mindsets and orient oneself to a new worldview.  Which is what the participants of the workshop have to do.  It is hard work for them.  When they are done, we put on a big graduation celebration for them.

They aren't done, though.  Now they are called "Circle Leaders," and they are matched with two Allies.

(This is where the volunteer part comes in).

An Ally is a volunteer, who agrees to partner with a Circle Leader and walk alongside them as they work on meeting the goals they have set for themselves, whether that be earning a GED, eliminating a chunk of debt, or starting college.  The Allies and Circle Leader form a "Circle," and it meets the first Thursday of every month for two hours, for 18 consecutive months.  All of the Circles meet together for a meal and sharing "New and Goods" (at every Circles event, each person in the room takes a turn sharing something new and/or good that has happened to them since the last meeting.  It could be "I got a job!" or "My grandbaby smiled at me for the first time!" or "Thank goodness soccer practice ends this week!").  Then each Circle meets together, catching up and sharing progress (or lack thereof) on goals.

The idea is to give Circle Leaders both more resources and more support.  It is also to involve middle class individuals in the fight against poverty, upping their investment in making the community a better place for EVERYBODY.

Speaking of that, people can also volunteer to be part of our Guiding Coalition, a group that works to make changes in the larger community.  But I'll talk more about that next week.  Because I skipped last week and I still get one more week to talk about this.  Because, you know, I make the rules about this blog;)

It is tough work being an Ally, too, I'm not going to give false illusions.  But I will say, as I often do, that sometimes the most rewarding things to be involved with are kind of hard sometimes.  As an Ally, you will form new friendships and gain new perspective.  You might even be completely inspired.

How's that for a pitch for volunteers? :)

No Girls Allowed

It was a good college football weekend in our household.  Friday night, we joined friends and tailgated before the 8:00 SU football game.  It was a blast.  We ended up watching the game at home, however, because it became apparent that our six year old was not going to make it through the whole game.  Did we want to spend all of that money only to have to leave halfway through? Or spend the game in misery.  We were not going to have seats by our friends, and the family with Anna's buddy decided to skip watching in the Dome too.  So we watched SU whoop up on WV from our couch.

Saturday night, we had a brownie sundae party in front of the MSU/WI game.  The kids went to bed before halftime, and Mom fell asleep somewhere in the 4th quarter.  I know, when a lot of the action was.  Controversial ending - but in favor of the Rozelle's Spartans.

I did catch a commercial that caught my attention. Often times, football commercials are not exactly friendly to women, at least not those of the feminist variety.  The whole idea of something being blatantly marketed "not for women" will of course snag my interest.

My husband, after viewing it commented,"That is so dumb.  I don't think men, at least in my generation, have any hang-ups about drinking diet soda."

What jumps out at me is the desperation to corner something "manly."  Men protecting something that is "theirs." This seems innocuous on the surface.  Why can men not have their own things? Women have some of their own things, right?  True.

I would like to raise one point.  It seems that often men fight to the teeth to protect something of theirs when it is a thing of power and privilege.  It bothers me when the thing being guarded is a bastion of male dominance. Like football.

What sport pulls down the most money? The NFL makes money hand over fist.  Superbowl ad slots cost an unbelievable amount. A college protects their football program because it is their biggest moneymaker.  Maybe men's basketball is a distant second.  But football programs are the golden calf.  SU's football coach is more highly paid than any other SU employee.  And SU is not exactly the best football team around.  Football translates to power.

Now I happen to enjoy a good football game.  I don't want to ruin all of your fun.  Just something to think about.

Circle of Empowerment

Tuesday's post got moved to today.  Yesterday was crazy.  My boss was out due to a scheduled surgery, and the other Circles Coach unexpectedly landed in the hospital.  Tuesday is Circles Workshop day; I facilitate in the morning and my co-worker facilitates in the evening.  This involves getting the food and setting up the space, handling all the paperwork, etc.  It was a long, busy day yesterday.

The Circles workshop is a 15 week class that is meant to provide tools for a more stable life for participants.  We screen interested individuals who are below poverty level, and those who pass commit to the workshop sessions.  The workshops are designed to give people an accurate picture of what life is like for them right now, help them envision what life could be for them in the future, and work on the plans and steps in between the two.  The material begins with the concept of what living in poverty is like: survival mode in a context of the tyranny of the moment.  It introduces the theory of change: you can't get out of where you are now by doing the same things you are doing now.  It talks about the rich/poor gap and how it works: the top 10% of the population possess 70% of the wealth, and the policies in place today will only increase that gap.  We uncover the hidden rules of middle class society that the marketplace is based on; people in generational poverty are usually unaware of these and their importance.  We talk about the eleven categories of resources (financial is only one category), and why each is important.  We evaluate which resources we have as individuals and which we lack, then strategize about how to build those areas of resources we are low in.  We conduct a community assessment to evaluate how well our community supports families, and talk about how to build community resources.  We look at financial priorities, and how to develop a personal financial plan.  Ultimately, each participant develops a detailed map of where they have been, where they are, and where they want to be, with specific and measurable goals they wish to work on over the next 18 months.  (Which I will talk about next time).

Along the way, the participants learn a lot about themselves, society, political and economic systems, and exploitation.  They form strong connections with one another, which gives them support while they work to change things in their lives.  They have a Circles coach to help them troubleshoot, stay accountable, stay motivated, and connect to resources.  The participants learn the joy of giving back and take up little responsibilities within the program, for which we try to reward them with points they accumulate and can redeem for computers (our favorite one, because of the necessity of a computer to navigate in the marketplace) and "fun" items they usually do not get to treat themselves to like movie tickets or restaurant gift certificates. (We gratefully accept donations of these types of things! *Said in my very best non-profit begging voice*!)

This is a powerful experience for those who commit themselves to it (including the coach).  The underlying principle is that people are problem-solvers, and each person is the authority on their own experience. 

It is difficult to describe the privilege of watching people become empowered to change their lives. It is inspiring to see our participants persisting in climbing over some pretty big obstacles.  It is amazing to see them develop the courage to try new things, to test out their voices, and to buckle down and exercise impressive discipline.  It has been an absolutely joyful experience to link arms with these women (and a few men). 

And you can too.  More on that next time;)

To Female Awesomeness

Every once in awhile a story comes along that makes me marvel at a particular woman's awesomeness. 


A woman just ran a marathon 39 weeks pregnant.

I was relegated to bedrest by my doctor for both of my pregnancies, so I didn't run much while pregnant.  But even if I had been cleared to run, I was one of those women who vomited constantly.  I can't even fathom this feat.  All of that baby in there and she ran for 6 hours?! Wow.  That's a whole level of tough I will never, ever reach.  In fact, I didn't really love running while nursing, and never ran over a 5K while I was. 

Anyway, this is impressive.  But so many women are. Women for hundreds of years have been doing some seriously hard work while pregnant, then returning to it immediately after delivering a baby.  Women run around sleep-deprived and sore, taking care of the kids and the household and apparently running long distances as well. 

There are days I feel exhausted.  I don't at all feel like tackling the chores ahead of me. But we women are capable of amazing things.  I spent the weekend with 3 dear friends and as I listened to them talk about what they were up to these days, I was so proud of them.  They are up to some pretty great stuff. 

And so are you. I'm sure of it.  Even if you aren't one of the few elite runners who runs a marathon and then delivers a baby (remember this trick, all of you who look for ways to get labor going at 42 weeks - wink, wink - I don't want to be officially held responsible for your torn groin muscles or heart failure...), you are probably doing some impressive stuff. 

If Amber can deliver a baby after running a marathon, I can at least clean my wood floors when I come home from work, right?

True Love

I love, love, love my Monday night group.  Monday night happened to be my birthday, which was shaping up to be quite crappy for awhile.  I ended up having to squeeze in a lot of running around and extra errands.  I was in a lot of pain with what is either a stress fracture or tendon damage in my left foot.  I was the only one in the office.  It was raining. But I went to group.  And there was a birthday cake and cards and presents and hugs and laughs there. 

Normally we meet at my friend Cathy's house, but we have switched it up for 12 weeks and agreed to do a study lead by one of her sister-friend's moms at her house for a change.  It is called "The Truth Project" and it is something put out by Focus on the Family.

Confession: I am not a fan of Focus on the Family.

But I am a big fan of my Monday night group.  Where they go, I go.  And I went into this venture as humbly and open-minded as I could.

Discussion time came after the video and I was really quiet.  I am NEVER quiet on Monday nights. I was quiet because I didn't want the dear, sweet lady leading to be offended.  And I didn't want to be negative.  And I thought I might need some time to process and sort out if I was knee-jerking and would regret what I said later.

Today, after praying and thinking and looking at scripture, at my core I still disagree with an opening statement the gentleman in the video said.

He stated that Jesus did not come into the world to redeem us.  He came to testify to the truth.

So if this were a geometry proof, then therefore (little 3 dot triangle) : the truth is not that Jesus came to redeem us?  The truth is something else?

Every world religion claims to have the truth.  Or at least be on the right path to seeking it.

No other world religion claims to have a Redeemer, who took our filthiness upon himself and took our punishment so that we could be free.  I think the proof goes this way: Jesus came into the world to redeem us: that is the truth.  If he didn't, what is the point in Christianity? 

Jesus' love is what sets him apart from other religious deity.  No other religion's god did what Jesus did.  If that's the truth, great, I'm with ya.  But do not say that Jesus did not come to redeem us.  He did. Luke 19:10 "The Son of Man came to seek out and to save the lost." And this is not a reference to truth being lost.  This is a reference to a particular individual (in this case Zacchaeus) being lost. I am not denying that Jesus came to testify to the truth - but I cannot swallow that Jesus did not come to seek out individual souls.

The gentleman on the video gave a series of verses in John that were supposed to prove that Jesus came to tell the truth.  I read each one I managed to jot down, and they are all intricately linked with redemption.

John 1:17 - Grace (equal importance to truth here) and truth come through Jesus.  What is grace?  Jesus' redemptive action of taking our guilt on his shoulders, something we did not deserve.

John 14:6 - Jesus is the way, truth and life. Again, truth is not taking importance over way and life.  How does he offer us life? Redemption.  The way is through redemption.  The truth is that we couldn't come to the Father if he hadn't provided the way.

John 17:17  - This is Jesus' prayer as he is going to the cross! He is asking for our protection and redemption. The plea for guarding us in truth is surrounded by his plea for our redemption.

John 4:24 - This is in the middle of the story of Jesus speaking to the woman at the well -  a bold, defiant, status-quo-shattering act of Jesus that was nothing if not a demonstration of love.  The truth was that he had the water she needed to drink. He was what she was searching for.  Why? He loved her enough to die in her place.

John 8:32 - Jesus was just speaking about his upcoming death, which would redeem us.  He then promised that the truth would set us free.  What truth? That he redeemed our souls.

The redemption story, Jesus' love, is what stands out in a world of line-drawing and battling over who's right and wrong.

In My Business

I've been a little busy lately.  And this month I am going to force upon you one of the reasons that I don't have time to clean my house or blog.

Visions for Change

It's where my new internship is.  And I love it. It's a complicated little poverty initiative to explain, but I will attempt to sum it up in 4 Tuesdays.

20 some years ago, Housing Visions started in Syracuse, taking blighted properties in run-down neighborhoods and completely renovating them in an eco-friendly, sustainable, profitable way.  They are lovely, win energy-efficiency ratings, are made out of lots of recycled materials and are flat out beautiful.  People's heads literally turn when they see a block of Housing Visions properties on a street.  And, they rent them to low-income families who desire a safe, affordable home.

The venture made money, and the management noticed that clients needed other resources to truly get out of precarious life situations besides housings.  That's when the Visions for Change arm of Housing Visions launched.  It is a program that works with individuals who want to get out of poverty, and also works with the community to remove barriers to families in poverty. 

There are 2 different focuses of the program - the Circles Initiative (works on the individual level), and the Guiding Coalition (works on the community level).  I'll break those out over the next few weeks and explain them.

I want to close this post by saying that I would love to spend the rest of my career arm-in-arm with women who are working to get to a better place in life.  This initiative provides hope.  It provides support.  It storms the walls between classes and races.  It says that no family should be held beneath anyone's heels.  It recognizes the value and dignity in each human being.


So we can all pray and cross our fingers and hope that the funding comes through to secure a position for me in the near future;)

Speak up!

This is Monday's post.  I am going to share a letter with you that our Amanda wrote when something really bothered her.  I loved it and asked if I could share it here.

I love it for several reasons.  First, when we get upset about the injustice of something, we often just get upset.  We don't channel that frustration into constructive action.  Sometimes frustration is positive if it motivates us to try to change something that needs changing.  But if we just get ourselves worked up, only complain to people in order to let off steam, or lash out ineffectively - our frustration is, well, frustrated.  Amanda's letter is such a good channeling of frustration.

Secondly, what Amanda was frustrated about fits the content of this blog perfectly.  Women's participation in the sporting world should not be discouraged by female objectification.  I'll let Amanda's letter speak for itself:

I sent the following email tonight to ESPN, the station manager of 1530 ESPN radio in Cincinnati, and a Clear Channel executive.

I am a mother of two boys, ages seven and four. I grew up with a coach as a father and therefore immersed in the world of sports. I was the only girl attending all-boy baseball camps. I scouted high school football games. As I kept the scorebook for the varsity baseball team, I stole the opposing team's signals. I was a three sport varsity athlete in high school and participated in collegiate athletics. I am still a huge sports fan, avidly following the Reds, the Bengals, and college athletics.

This evening, I turned on my local ESPN radio station, 1530 in Cincinnati, hoping to find the Rays/Rangers game. But it wasn't on. I went to the station's website http://www.espn1530.com to see if I could find the upcoming schedule for the MLB playoffs. I don't have cable and so am relying on radio to keep up with the progress of the postseason.

Before I could navigate the page far enough to find the baseball broadcast information I was seeking, I instead found, under "Featured" listed first "Babes" accompanied by a picture of a woman who was clearly topless. The subtitles under "Babes" included "Hand Bras," "Blondes vs. Brunettes," "Spread 'Em," and "Let Me See That Thong." Also on the front page of this ESPN station's website was "Babe of the Day" and a "Check This Out" photo link with a picture of Holly Madison in a bikini.

I am not ignorant of the relationship of sex and sports (NFL cheerleaders, NBA dance squads, commercials/advertisements, etc.) But I do expect, especially from ESPN, a higher standard. I expect to be able to navigate my local ESPN radio station's website without feeling like a clearly unwelcome visitor. I am honestly surprised that ESPN would allow such content on something that so clearly bears their name.

I researched a bit and discovered that ESPN 1530 in Cincinnati is a Clear Channel station as well. I went to the Clear Channel website and read their Creed. http://www.clearchannel.com/Corporate/PressRelease.aspx?PressReleaseID=1165&p=hidden

A few of the things included in that creed jumped out at me, as they related to the content I found on the ESPN 1530 website.

The creed states the following:

We believe we have an obligation for the well-being of the communities in which we live. We further believe the future success of our communities and the industries where we do business is dependent upon the responsibility we feel, the high standards we set and the positive impact our actions have.

We believe excellence is the standard and we seek to achieve excellence by encouraging and nourishing these core values:

• Respect for the individual

We believe success is measured by:

• Maintaining the highest standards of ethics and integrity in every action we take and in everything we do.

This Clear Channel Creed was written 30 years ago by Clear Channel's Founder Lowry Mays. This Creed exhibits the operational vision for the company. It has, surprisingly, stood the test of time and remains the guiding light for our employees even during a time of growth and change. The Clear Channel Family is very proud of this Creed.

I honestly cannot reconcile the ideas held in this creed and the inclusion of "Babes" as a prominent feature on the website of ESPN 1530, a Clear Channel station.

As a parent, I feel like I have learned another valuable lesson tonight. As they get old enough to have independent computer time, my kids will not be allowed to browse ESPN or our local radio websites. It is not acceptable in my mind for my children to come across these images while trying to find the stats from last night's game.

I've noticed there are plenty of examples of sports websites where this is not the norm. The Reds website is completely devoid of any references to "Babes" or "Spread 'Em." The main ESPN website is free of them. MLB.com is not sporting a "Babe of the Week." I don't understand why it is OK for my local ESPN station to include these things.

As a sports fan, a woman, and a mother, I sincerely hope that this is something that can be changed immediately.

My Girl

My daughter is not allowed to have a Facebook account, even though she turned 13.  Say what you will, but that is a big, barely controlled universe I don't want my sweet little girl wandering around in.

She is allowed, however, to have her own locked-down little blog.  I think it will suit her better anyway.  She likes to write and take pictures and it will be a nice place for her to share her creativity with her friends and family.

The name of her blog is Adagio.  It's a musical term, pretty much explained by her subtitle: taking life slowly, one note at a time.

Yeah, my kid is totally smart and cool.

Having a child who is closer to adulthood than babyhood can be scary.  But it has been real joy for me, as she surprises me everyday with amazing new revelations about the person she is becoming.  Sometimes I look at her in wonder: is that my kid?!

She recently tried out for her school musical.  As an eighth grader who has perfect pitch and a pretty singing voice, I suspect she felt she could get a lead role.  She even turned down running cross country so she could participate.  But my dear girl falls apart when performing solo in front of a crowd.  She is more suited to orchestras and choirs, as she does not have a ham bone in her body.  So she came home in tears because she botched her audition.

She didn't get a lead part.  But 2 of her good friends did.  And she's been nothing but genuinely happy for them.  And she decided to be a team player and stick with the musical, even though she's "just in the chorus."  The only negative sentiment she has expressed is disappointment in herself for not doing as well as she could have.

What character in a thirteen year old.  Yes, I'm biased.  Who cares.  I'm still celebrating my girl, who's growing up nicely.

Nothing is Random

This is the message that keeps popping up in my days.  It has been uttered from the lips of my pastor, my boss, my co-worker, a few of my friends, and a speaker at a women's gathering.  The exact wording might have varied with the speaker, but the theme is the same.

There are many things in our lives that are not coincidence.  God often provides us with circumstances that might seem random, and maybe even unpleasant.  And it is amazing to realize years later how those seemingly outlying jobs, gigs, meetings, etc. end up as paving stones in our journey, leading us to important things.

I find this comforting.  I have had some pretty random experiences, especially in the job department, that seem like a hodgepodge of my lack of direction.  I happen to be at a crossroads where all those paths are converging, and I see why nursing school, my bank job, the Hughes High School football dinners, and so on, all had a connected purpose. 

Next week, the workshop I will be facilitating for the next 15 weeks begins.  As part of the workshop, the participants will draw a map of what life is like for them now.  At their "graduation", they will make a life map, illustrating where they have been, where they are now, and where they hope to be.  I have been told, and wholeheartedly believe, that the time in the graduation ceremony when they share their maps is very powerful.

Where have you been? Where are you now?  It's a nice meditation exercise to take a little quiet time and think about those things and even pray about them.  Not only does this connecting of dots strengthen our resolve, deepen our faith, and hone our sense of direction, but it can be very, very inspiring.

What If

     She swirled the rich taste of good coffee around her mouth as she looked out on the world evidently trying to escape from winter’s grip.  The newly showing grass was nowhere near the brilliant hue it would be in weeks to come, but for now it was a welcome spot of any color besides white or grey.  She could barely make out the lake in the distance, its water somehow still sparkling and lovely, even on a sunless day.  Amid the aroma of roasting coffee beans mixed with the scent of new book pages, she studied the little person across the table from her, brown hair tangled despite its brushing a few hours before, bottom scooting on and off, on and off the high bar-style chair, mouth with numerous missing teeth silently forming the words of the book she held.

Her daughter. Usually, this child seemed like a ubiquitous presence in her life, a kind of extension of herself.  Today, in this place, she saw Claire as one sees an actress picked to play the part of a well-known role.  Familiar, but yet able to be played by an array of possibilities.  Only one actor is chosen to play a part in one run of a play, though, never to be performed again in the same way, in the same place, at the same designated block of time.  She was playing the role of Claire’s mom. 

She was a good mom.  She did most things moms were supposed to.  Made lunches, kept clean clothes in the drawers and closets, put meals on the table, attended various events her children were a part of, was generally available for the past 12 years of the first one’s life.  She was a good wife.  Dependable, keeping the house in order, shouldering the care-taking of the kids and buying of family birthday gifts and impressing the necessary dinner guests.  She wondered if her family, her family who she dearly loved, knew she felt like an inadequate phony.

She was a strange fit for this life of ordered domesticity.  At heart, she was a wanderer.  Becoming anchored and dependent, she found herself beating back depression at times.  She liked to be spontaneous, enjoy the moments life presented, and answer to whims.  Her favorite memories of motherhood were times when she set the baby up in a backpack and wandered for hours.  Her babies always seemed content at those times, as long as she had stashed enough snacks and diapers in the backpack too.  It was if their little hearts could sense their mother’s peace, and they knew they could be at peace too.  Even little Claire, her fussy, stormy, strong-willed child, would gleefully kick her little legs until she lost a shoe when going on lazy adventures with Mama.  

Now, looking over the bewitching lake that was one place still able to cause her to grab her children for a stolen afternoon of reading on a picnic blanket, she was beckoned to consider the path not taken.  What if? 

She allowed herself to see the single and young version of herself, renting one of those rooms over the quaint little shops lining the street.  She could perch up there in a small space furnished just the way she liked, or not, with a cup of tea, experiencing the changing personality of that lake over the seasons.  She could live her life in this town with all of its interesting treasures.  Why hadn’t she done that?  Why had she not taken an adventure when she was young? Picked a place to live because she fell in love with it, working nights and weekends at a little place just like this bookstore/coffeeshop.  She could see her younger self, long hair swept up and back, chatting with interesting customers on a busy night, being fueled by the energy and inspiration of the place, the live music, the writers.  Now it was too late to go living in an apartment over a storefront, working nights and weekends.  Wasn’t it?

Please.  She was nearing what was probably the exact middle of her lifespan, and she was expected to have “real” commitments.  A nice career when the last child was in school, a nice house in a nice suburb.  She was married to a doctor, for goodness sake.  She was living the kind of life she was supposed to.

She had always lived the kind of life she was supposed to.  She had listened to her parents and stayed close to home.  She got the kind of job they told her girls are supposed to get while waiting to marry and have children.  A secretary or bank teller or something.  She had done the bank thing and vowed she would never do it again.  When she felt as if she were suffocating, she used to take off from her parents’ house and just drive for hours, wondering where she could go, knowing she wanted to be anywhere but where she was. 

She married a nice guy.  She wondered if that would have changed.  She fell in love, after all, was still in love to this day.  He factored in all the versions of her daydreams and alternate longings.  Maybe she would not have married him, but from the time they had started getting to know one another, she knew in her heart that they would be in each other’s lives, in some way, for the rest of her life. He was so unlike her, but he was as much a part of her being as her children.  No matter what scenario of her life she imagined, her family could not be written out of her soul.  

She suspected they all knew.  Everyone probably did.  She was a person who wore her heart on her face.  The kids, after all, were most at ease when she was off script.  Perhaps all those things she and her husband and society thought they needed weren’t so necessary after all. What about her husband?  He seemed to like his job.  He was an ambitious guy.  But what if he had the freedom to do exactly what he wanted without any financial obligations?  There were times the two of them were in the same room, struggling with some aspect of their separate obligations, when she sensed they each just wanted to look at the other and say, “To hell with all this.”

She watched Claire leap down from the high stool and onto a nearby couch, unaware of anyone else in the room watching her, her words now audible, her whole six year old self involved in a drama of her invention.  She smiled, remembering what it was like to be Claire’s age, hoping Claire would stay like this longer than she herself had. Would she allow Claire to do that? Or was she forcing things upon Claire she thought she should.  What if twenty-something Claire wanted to rent a room above a store and write and wait tables? 

Little Claire was now directly in front of her, her intense blue eyes narrowed, “Am I going to be late for school?” Her hands were on her hips and her heart-shaped mouth puckered into a frown.  She reached out and touched Claire’s still baby-soft, slightly-chubby cheek.  “We’re fine, Claire.  Would you like to leave now, just to be sure we make it?”  In answer, Claire began to gather up her jacket, her new book, and her half-full bottle of lemonade. 

She sighed and drained the last drops of coffee from her mug.  She saved the file, but paused a moment before she shut her laptop down.  She looked at the words on the screen, wondering if they would stay there forever, or would escape and become a possibility.  She wondered if she would show her husband tonight, if they would have the conversation that hung silently in the air around them so many times, but never found form in their voices.  

“Mama!”

     She snapped the computer shut, slid it into her bag, and followed Claire out.  

The Poor We Will Always Have With Us

News came out last week that the U.S. poverty rate is higher than it has been in years.  And the working age poor have snagged the record share of that percentage. Unemployment has something to do with that.  It must be noted that the majority of the 8 plus million families in poverty in the U.S. have a member of the household working full time.  In one of the articles I read, an interviewee noted that the working poor will be with us for a long time.  The trend will not fall away; it will gain momentum.

Underemployment is a stealthy and deadly predator of families.

My current position has me in direct relationship with many families who fall into this category.  I hear stories of how the American dream is out of reach for a certain group of grasping women in Syracuse, New York.  In another blog I write, I asterisk potentially controversial posts. Asterisking now applied.

*I cannot count how many times I have heard biting criticism of single, African American mothers who live in urban areas and are on public assistance.  Some nasty adjectives are swung around, and sweeping conclusions.  "Why don't they just get a job," is a favorite expression of many.  "Lazy" is a mean word I hear too often.

We attack other women ... why? To make us feel better about ourselves?  "Look how hard I work! Look what a successful woman I am!"  Is there some comfort in thinking we have the answer as to why another mother has trouble feeding her children on her income?  If we can assign it to that woman's flaws, do we feel safer from the big scary system that could knock us off our feet too?

Feminism cannot be only a movement of professional women who want to arrange the world so it more comfortably makes room for their careers.  And Christians, if Jesus walked among us again he would choose to sit next to that lady with 5 kids, no husband, in debt, and on food stamps and TANF.  We need to occasionally remind ourselves that "middle class" is an abnormal blip in the realm of human history.  Most of the time, there's poor and there's very wealthy.  And there's a whole lot more poor than very wealthy.  We also need to understand that if the entire world population lived at the current middle class American standard, we would need to colonize 6 other Earth-type planets to provide the raw resources to sustain that.  How many missed paychecks stand between any of us and poverty? How protective is our psychological insulation?

Is life, then, about being as comfortable and financially secure as possible?  Would we be better served sealing ourselves off in our middle class elevator to the top or allowing ourselves to enter into a sisterhood of all kind of women?

Another thing I hear a lot is that there always have and always will be poor people: why work to end poverty?  From a feminist standpoint, the bottom line is that we are not satisfied with any kind of status quo where oppression exists, where our fellow humans are suffering.  Jesus, who understands the scope of human poverty better than any other,  explicitly addresses the way we treat our brothers and sisters in poverty; however we treat them, consider it how we are treating him.

What does Jesus say when someone asks him why he just can't get a job?

Gratuitous

Here she is. Miss Jovie Rae Traylor, my sister Kristy's new baby.  My new niece.

Your line is "Awwwww - isn't she adorable!" :)

The benefit of having a blog is that you can put whatever propaganda you want on it.  And I am shamelessly flaunting the cuteness of our new family member.  Because that's what aunts do.

And we are a group that celebrates baby girls, are we not?! And you should meet the newest member of the Ourselves, Reinvented community.  Although, technically, Jovie was just invented.  I don't think she needs reinventing yet. 

This is really kind of a Friday post.  Celebrating girlyness.  But I felt like celebrating on Tuesday.  

I've got more excuses where those came from;)

Shaking The Hand That Feeds You

Now that I have crossed over to the world of working outside my home again, the posts might not be as frequent.  At least not during the adjustment period.

It's been crazy to wrap my mind around.  One day, I suddenly am getting pulled into brainstorming meetings and writing newspaper ads and grants and designing posters and planning classes and wearing high heels all day.  It sounds a little glamorous.

Who out there works for/has worked for a non-profit?  You know what it's all about then.  All that (minus the class prep) is a fancy front for

begging.

For a noble cause.  A wonderful cause.  But really, it's all professional begging. I'm a professional beggar.

In many ways, this is a dream job.  I have always wanted to work for a non-profit that works to end poverty in the community.  I am really not a poster child capitalist.  I can't believe I just put that in print.  But, props to the people who make a lot of money and are super duper generous with it.

I have personally been touched by the generous giving of the uber-rich this week, and I mean, outside the job.  If you don't know, my oldest daughter is a rather good violinist.  Last year she played for the Syracuse Symphony Youth Orchestra, which is comprised of youth from all over the region who had to audition for a spot on this elite musical ensemble, a subsidiary of the Syracuse Symphony.  The Symphony went bankrupt, and the kids had no orchestra.  The community was having none of that.  The professional musicians sadly still have no orchestra to employ them in Syracuse, but the kids were rescued by the board at Syracuse University, and other private donors. So my daughter gets to continue becoming a better musician, in the company of other amazing youth musicians. (If you click on watch  video - my kiddo is in the back row, just above the conductor's head).

My daughter also ran track last season.  Track is a modified sport (people who aren't in NY might not know  what I'm talking about).  Because of hard economic times, the modified sports program in our district was going to be cut.

A nice older lady thought this was terrible.  She lives in our district and raised a group of boys who played sports and thought something should be done for the kids.  She sent her son a newspaper clipping.  Her son, who happens to be Alec Baldwin, contacted the fundraisers and said that if we could come up with $50,000, he would donate the last $25,000 needed to keep the program going. I'm not making this up.

The kids have their modified sports program again.

It is really nice when people work for very little money to work for good causes.  But it is also really nice when people give big sums of money to those good causes and help them keep going.  Because sometimes, whether we like to admit it or not, money is what keeps our non-profits, those that benefit other people and those that benefit our own families, up and running.

Tashmica always says this, but often times people's generosity is amazing.  Today I approached a guy who I was told had access to free movie passes, something I needed for an incentive program for our clients.  I was  a little nervous, but the man said, "How many do you need?"  Just like that.  I didn't even know what to say.  I didn't think I had a proverbial blank check.  I hadn't even planned for that.  I assumed I was going to have to grovel.

Sometimes when you focus on change, it is easy to demonize things like big business. I just thought I needed to say thank you to all of the business owners who care about their communities enough to fund the great things going on in them.

Team Effort

I have a good friend who is a really, really good mom.  (Well, I have quite a few of those....) Ami and I have gotten close over the past year or so, and our families have become friends too.  Jeff and I have a lot of affection for Ami's girls, Ellie and Katie.  Ellie is one of Anna's BFF's, and the friend she was baptized with.  They have a special bond.  Watch out - they are gonna change the world:) Katie will be a 5th grader, and Jeff and I volunteered to be 5th grade Sunday School teachers this year. So we get to have Katie (and some other fantastic kids too - we picked a good year!) in our class.

Katie is amazingly smart.  She's precocious and full of energy.  She is full of hugs and questions and spunk.  She endeared herself to us pretty quickly.  But I know that Ami and her husband Rob have had lots of challenges because of Katie's diagnosis.  I have witnessed their amazing tenacity.  They work tirelessly to do what's best for their daughter.  Their love and devotion to their family is obvious to everyone who knows them.

Autism spectrum disorders have affected other friends and acquaintances in my life and in yours.  You have probably been touched by their stories too.  We don't often know how to ease the burdens of friends, or support them in what they do, but sometimes little ways come up.

For those of you who know Ami (or are touched by her story), her family is raising money for Autism awareness and research through the Autism Speaks walk.  I asked Ami if I could post this link but she didn't know what I was going to say:) I hope I didn't embarrass her.  Ami, I wanted to honor your wonderful family.  Love you!  Check it out if you would like to contribute a little something to the cause or send the La Ducs some love.

Go Team Katie! :)

What a Girl Wants

My daughter just turned 13.  In case you missed the news. 


She's a great kid.  She is relatively level-headed and not much of a drama queen.  She is not too grown up. 


But she is a teenager now.  She wants to walk to the park down the hill with friends. By themselves.  She wants to shop in that great big mall all by herself with her friends.  She wants a Facebook account.  She wants to wear make-up.

The thought of make-up on my daughter used to cause me to feel a little bit sick to my stomach.  Too grown-up! She's beautiful the way she is - she does not need make-up! Now she's 13 and I realize that a little mascara is nothing compared to all the creeps in the world who might want to be her friend on Facebook. And all of those frightening nooks and crannies at the mall ... we'll take that eyeshadow in all colors possible, please. 

Plus, make-up is fun to girls of a certain age.  I have to remember that it used to be for me too.  It used to be  fun to spend my allowance on a shiny new lipstick. Now I get a q-tip and wrestle every last smudge out of a 10 year old tube of Clinque lip gloss that was the bonus accompanying the foundation I used to wear 10 years ago.  I decided to let my daughter experience that same old junior high make-up fun.  Besides, at this point, if I say no to make-up, we all know there will be a secret stash in her BFF's locker that she will apply every day before the homeroom bell. 


This kid is cautious and moderate.  She was chattering to me about the goings on of a recent slumber party where the girls were all doing each other's faces up, and she mentioned that she thought several of her friends wear too much make-up.  "It doesn't look good," she confessed, "and when they put it on me, it looked awful."


Today, I arranged for little sister to stay with Dad (imagine not wanting your precocious 6 year old sister who is not good in Target to accompany you on your first cosmetics purchase!) and she and I went to get some new make-up for her.  And some junk food for dinner tonight.  We girls were having a little party of sorts.  She made some nice choices.  A pretty palette of shadow for blue eyes, and some mascara of the clear variety.  Her friends already purchased her some tinted lip gloss. And she decided that face make-up might clog her pores even more.

After the junk food fest (ohh, bad idea I am so paying for at the moment) and movie, little sis went to bed and she and I pulled out the new make-up and practiced.  She looked really nice.  Not made-up at all.  And then we had a friendly little Just Dance competition.  Let's just say ...  Can't Touch This! ;) And we talked about all kinds of things that 13 year olds want to talk about. 


The decision to bestow my blessing upon the make-up wearing of my eighth grader may come with the kind of judgment I used to get in Meijer when I let my littlest get one of those movie carts. (Grocery store peace was so worth a dollar and some stink eye!)  Honestly, I don't think she is learning anything damaging.  She knows that I am not of the persuasion that a woman does not walk out of the house with a fully made-up face. She knows that for me, make-up is a sometimes thing.  It's for dressing up.  Sometimes I put on just a little when I am dressing professionally.  I hope I'm sending the message that make-up is not something I or any other female needs to be attractive. 

I have mentioned before that in mothering, one constantly reinvents oneself.  Or maybe, more accurately, evolves.  You learn which battles you want to fight, and that you certainly can't fight them all.  You realize that you really can't keep your baby in a bubble. You begin to learn to trust your gut, and your kid who is, amazingly, maturing quite nicely. You learn not to beat yourself up over everything and stop taking yourself so seriously.  There is "ideal" and there's "real," and along the way we begin to detect the difference between the two. 

I am not a perfect mother.  Not even be a great mother.  I have a good 13 year old daughter (and a 6 year old one too), though.  And tonight was a blast.  We weren't eating organic, nutritious, wholesome food.  We were rotting out our minds in front of a TV screen.  We were indulging in a vain activity that might send the message that girls need to make themselves attractive to others. And we loved every minute of it.  Bonding with daughters is so worth selling out and getting some stink eye;)

the help

I feel like I need to start with a list of facts. I first read this book a year ago. I have a terrible memory, so I felt like I needed to read it again and I just finished it. I haven't seen the movie yet. And I recently read a couple of articles about the story.

I read the articles before I reread the book. The articles suggested that the story made the white person the crux of the changes. That, not blatantly, but subtly, many movies and books set in the era of civil rights in the south suggest that whites were necessary for the advancement of civil rights.

So I started off with a bit of a bias. Maybe I should have reacted differently to the book the first time I read it? Maybe I was reading from my white perspective and missing the way the story was slanted?

But I changed my mind.

Yes, Skeeter is white. Yes, without her interactions with Elaine Stein in New York, there would not have been a book. Yes, Skeeter starts off with only her own interests in mind. She wants a job in the publishing industry. This seems like an idea a New York publisher likes. She went after it. For herself. Even Minnie bemoans the fact that a white woman is the driving force behind this book.

But that was a different Skeeter than the one that emerged. Aren't we all thankful we've shed our slightly-too-small skins and grown into different and better people? Isn't Aibileen as much the author of the book as Skeeter?

I also started the book thinking, what do I have in common with these women? In our other selections, I've felt that, despite the differences in age, culture, experience, I could quickly connect with something I saw in the female characters. Friendship, motherhood, fear of aging.

At first, I couldn't find that. I didn't grow up in the South. I was neither a maid nor had a maid. The Civil Rights movement has always been a history topic to me. I've never had to call up the kind of courage it took to go against such a strong set of cultural norms. 

And then I read: Wasn't that what the point of the book? For women to realize, We are just two people. Not that much separates us. Not nearly as much as I'd thought.

Isn't that the point for not just women, but people? To find our commonality. To step over lines and embrace the image of Christ we find in everyone?

There are so many things in this book we could talk about. I'd love you to all come over and have a cup of coffee while the kids play. We could fill hours, I expect.

One last thing from me, and then I can't wait to hear what you have to say.

Minnie reflects at one point on all the ways that the cause of civil rights is being taken up around her. She knows that she could participate in sit-ins or marches or boycotts. But she purposefully chooses to tell her story as her act of civil rights. Because, she says, what is important to her is how her daughters are going to be treated by white women.

It's so easy for me to look around at the good other people are doing and then feel guilty about not doing those things too. But the truth is, it's a powerful thing to know yourself. To know what is important to you and then do something about that. Guilt separates us from other people because it leads to resentment and jealousy. But to be confident in what we do and what we value, it seems like that frees us to encourage.

What do you want to talk about?

"If You Want To Say That ..." Changes Everything

Maybe you'd heard, maybe not, but Maya Angelou recently lamented that a new MLK memorial carried only part of one of his quotes, and the clause that was left out made all of the difference.  Leaving off "If you want to say that I was a drum major, say that....." changes the meaning of  "I was a drum major for justice, etc." Angelou pointed out that it made Dr. King sound arrogant to leave off the beginning of the sentence, and missed the point of the entire sermon that encased it.

If you know Jeff and me, you can probably guess what we did after stumbling across this information.  We listened to the sermon.  I think I agree with Maya Angelou.

Feminism and Christianity don't only focus on women and people who say they follow Christ, respectively.  At the heart of each is not only a yearning to become the best versions of ourselves, and to seek justice and healing and peace for all.

In that spirit, if you have time, I REALLY  (note the total emphasis applied) encourage you to listen to Martin Luther King Jr.'s "Drum Major Instinct" sermon.  He is an amazing speaker, and this is a powerful message.  It never ceases to surprise me how in the strangest ways a Message that I need to hear finds me at the right moment.  As was the case with this.  It spoke right to me. From 1968 Dr. King ended up right on my street, to use the phrase of a former minister of mine. 

The message is timeless as well as timely. Often on Ourselves, Reinvented we have discussed in some way the Drum Major Instinct.  The yearning to lead. To not sit down silently, or pass through life unheard.  I believe that we all have something we want to share, a mark to leave on the world.  We have heard many women speak about things in this space which they are passionate about, how they are seeking justice and peace. We are just as susceptible to all the distortions such as greed, pride, gossip, envy, and so on.  And as Dr. King pointed out that Jesus, as usual, showed us a new way to great accomplishment. Serving.  Loving.  Dr. King brilliantly concluded that this is available to every person, then. 

I love that. Every person is capable of great things.  Not through money or degrees or connections but by serving others.  Seeking justice.  Loving one another. It makes me want to hear more MLK sermons, because I feel as if just now the depths of his dream are becoming understandable to me. 

We could change everything. 

One-for-Two

http://tiffanysattempt.blogspot.com/2011/08/unforeseen-benefits.html

This one took a lot out of me.  I didn't have 2 posts in me today.  A first child turning thirteen takes a lot out of me, I guess.

A Good Cup of Coffee

So I mentioned fair trade the other day, and as I'm drinking my coffee I am thinking this is one of the biggest changes I have made in my consumption habits.  This is a bit of a tightrope to walk, because I don't want to make people feel burdened with something instead of inspired by something.  I hope you will take my thoughts on this in stride, and know that I don't judge people for not taking up all of my causes or internalizing all of my convictions. Please take a free pass and don't read today's post if you would like to not analyze your morning cuppa joe. 

We drink lots of coffee.  Not just me and Jeff, but our nation.  It's, like, a staple.  One that we, as a big powerful and only recently downgraded country seek big, cheap supplies from the "Third World." When we do that, sometimes small farmers go from being able to provide a simple yet sufficient life for their families to being on the edge of starvation and disaster.  A cheaper commodity can mean a slashed income for someone not exactly living in the lap of luxury in the first place.  If you want an in-depth look at the coffee system, watch the documentary Black Gold.  

The amount of injustices in the world are myriad, and the idea of addressing them all is overwhelming.  In an effort to not become completely depressed or crazy, we make choices which battles to engage in.  Because coffee is something I need enjoy on a daily basis, I should examine my participation in the coffee cycle.  Coffee also happens to be one of those things where conscious-clearing alternatives exist.  You can buy coffee with the little fair trade logo on bags in your grocery store, for instance. Wegman's store brand carries a couple of fair trade blends, as does Target's. Even Aldi is selling a fair trade blend now! A good brand sold in many stores and at Bruegger's is Green Mountain.

I buy all kinds of brands, but I have 2 favorites I must tell you about. Available online via Amazon, and possibly the best practice company on the planet is  Pura Vida. 
They are serious about changing business models to benefit ALL people involved and protect the environment.   (Oh yeah, other benefits of fair trade coffee are not only that it is usually of superior quality, it is usually organic).

Perhaps the coffee dearest to my heart is Paramount's Rwanda Coffee .
Have you ever seen Hotel Rwanda?  This coffee is Michigan State University's effort to make sure something like the 1994 war and genocide never happens again in that country.  They work with farmers in Rwanda to make sure they have a market for and are paid well for their coffee.  It's just an all around beautiful partnership.  And good coffee.  You can get it online, or if you are one of the lucky souls who lives in or around East Lansing, MI (insert my sigh of longing), you can purchase it at Goodrich's Shop-Rite or at your local Biggby's.  It's what I'm drinking this morning. 

Coffee may not be your passion. But there might be something else that is.  If you would ever like to share something you've learned with an audience, please contact me and we can talk about an O,R guest writer spot for you.  Maybe even over a cup of fair trade coffee:)

Proud Worrier

It is Monday morning.  You're welcome for the reminder.

It is what we call "easing in" week at our house.  The school-is-almost-here-so-we-better-practice-going-to-bed-earlier-but-more-importantly-waking-up-earlier week.  So up at 6 for me.  Or maybe 6:15ish.  It was definitely before 6:30.

I didn't get as much done as I hoped.  I did get a run in.  And an important phone call to my new boss.  And an e-mail I needed to send.  But up to this point there's been a lot of coffee and some playing with Anna on the Wii.  We snagged a new Miss Piggy Mii last night and I just had to see how fabulous she looked doing Kung-Fu.  For Feminism's sake.  `

I did, in spite of myself, manage to do a little morning meditation, devotion, quiet time, getting ready for the day, or whatever you want to call it. And the message in my Book of Awakenings was amazingly fitting. Today's title is "Live Your Worries Through."

Worry is a palpable feeling in our house this week.  My little one did not have such a great last school year, and as this one approaches: worry.  I have not worked every day, 5 days a week outside of my house where I have to dress up and be somewhere at a scheduled morning hour for years: worry. My husband's first day with students is this morning and when he got on the computer this morning, his university's entire network was down.  And he's a freshman advisor.  You're tired of my list already.  So am I.

The author pointed out that worry is when we start running a track in our mind of all the bad things we imagine could happen.  I am not a pro at a lot of things, but I am a PRO at this.  You want to know all the possible things that can go wrong in a situation - come to me.  I can rattle off a cool list of 20.  So the invitation to live in the moment is one I often find myself longing to respond to and yet find so difficult to actually do.

Living in the moment is the only real safe place, Nepo says, because it is the place we can actually reach out for those who nurture us.  This is a nice thought, and feminists would like to remind us that we women have each other to reach out to when we are feeling anxious about our new work demands, or helpless as a mother, or inadequate about the things we long to do.  I like that thought too.

After the writing, Nepo always offers a little exercise. This morning, it was to open your hands until you feel the worry leave, then dwell on that feeling.  This brought back to me something from The Celebration of Discipline (it's better than it sounds), when the author talked about lifting something up in prayer, physically with your hands, then with your hands, setting it down. Our associate pastor delivered a lovely message yesterday entitled "How do you hear God?" She suggested that God is often speaking and we, for several reasons, don't hear.  For me, I think it's because I am so busy worrying and trying to work out the solutions to all the scary "What ifs" I've mentally conjured.

We need each other.  We even need to figure out solutions to our problems.  But sometimes, we just need to breathe deeply and let it go.  But we think it's so important - we can't just let it go. Only Jesus makes this offer to exhausted worriers:

Matthew 11:28 ''Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest." 

So I know it's not Spiritual Wednesday; sometimes you need the Holy Ghost to get you through Monday.

And to reiterate the point: I Peter 5:8 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you." Though I think the preceding verse, at least in my case, is the key. "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you."

What does most of my worry stem from? What do I worry about? Isn't pride the eye of many of my worry storms? Do I not hear God because I haven't humbled myself to acknowledge his power (and my powerlessness)? If I wasn't so concerned for my precious hide, or maybe more accurately, my ego, I venture to say I would worry a lot less. 

We may all have different things to release. Before I hand over the worry, I need to let go of the pride.    I hope you can find a way to get some rest today, even though it's Monday.

Practice What You Preach, Mama

Years ago, I started learning about how our stuff was made.  Where it comes from.  Who makes it.  How much those people are paid.  What kind of conditions they work in.  How old they are. The phrase "fair trade" entered my vocabulary.  (Not to be confused with free trade).

I am curious by nature.  When I started getting curious about the stuff I buy, I began research on clothing companies, shoe companies, and coffee.  I started making changes in our families consumption patterns.  I switched from Nike running shoes to made in the USA New Balance, for instance.  I stopped spending my dollars at certain stores.

But I conveniently never looked into chocolate.

Somewhere, lurking around the edges of my consciousness I knew there was an issue with chocolate.  I mean, they sell fair trade chocolate.  And come on, I made the very expensive diehard switch to fair trade coffee, and we are coffee addicts in my house.  When one of my extended family comes to visit we easily blow through one of those 12 oz bags in a weekend.

Besides coffee, I am addicted to chocolate.  As in, I will bust open a bag of chocolate chips in the pantry if I need a fix.

Have I mentioned that I love my daughter's New Moon magazine?  She loves it too, and spent a large part of the afternoon waving the new issue under my nose.  "Look, Mom - vegetarian recipes."  "Look, Mom, this is one of my (chat) friends who wrote this poem."  And then, "Mom, did you know this about chocolate?  You should read this article."

Damn.

This impossibly responsible looking redheaded girl is smiling up at me from the magazine pages telling me all about how she tried to get a certain chocolate company to change their labor practices and how they wouldn't do it. About how little kids slave away picking cocoa beans for terrible pay and such. I look up and see my daughter peering into my soul.  "We could buy that chocolate that comes in the colorful wrappers at Wegman's, Mom.  That stuff is fair trade."

I put chocolate chips in cookies, muffins, and granola bars (and straight into my mouth).  That is going to get quite expensive.

But my daughter is watching.

That's the hard part about trying to teach our beliefs to the younger generation.  Whether feminist or Christian or whatever principles we find important to share, if there is a whiff of hypocrisy about us, it renders our message irrelevant.

Talk is cheap.  Unlike fair trade chocolate.

But really ... Eww!

Long time, no see.  Or maybe you, like me, have been too busy enjoying your summer to notice that I haven't been posting?

I'm breaking the long silence with a strange news article today.  The kind that will make Jon Stuart and Steven Colbert so sad that they are off for 2 weeks. It appears that Khadaffy, Ghaddafi, or however we are spelling his name today, apparently has a crush on Condoleeza Rice.

Interesting.  This man is typically associated with being a despot.  Not exactly a poster child for supporting strong career-driven women.  But he admires "his" darling black African woman, as he puts it, and is proud of her. A Condoleeza photo album found in his compound serves as proof. 

Rice responded that the whole thing was a bit "creepy and bizarre." And let's admit, slightly humorous if you are not Condoleeza.  I don't know what your opinion of Rice is, but you have to feel kind of sorry for her that one of the biggest weirdos in the world has a public fascination with her.

Why am I posting on this besides the obvious reveling in snarky humor?  I find it interesting when men who, in general, do not support ideas like women's autonomy and freedom (or arguably, anyone's autonomy or freedom) have a thing for a strong, smart, independent woman.  It has long been said that the intelligent and  successful girls aren't boyfriend magnets.  But a woman with credentials and courage has a power of her own.  A woman like Condoleeza Rice, whatever you think about her politics, inspires admiration in many women for her accomplishments.  Not many women have been Secretary of State. In conservative administrations, no less.  Sometimes, even the most die-hard chauvinists fall for impressive women.  In a chauvinistic way. I don't know if that's a victory for smart, strong, successful, independent women or not. In this case ... not.

I wonder if Steve Earle wrote this song with knowledge of the Libyan leader's love of Condi?

Shiny Happy Baby Day!

Jovie Rae (formerly known as Baby T) is here!!!! I have no pictures yet, but she's 7 pounds, 7 oz. and I am doing a happy Auntie dance over here:)

Congratulations, Kristy! (and Mike, but, this is kind of a girl blog...)

Welcome to the world, baby girl! The world is already a nicer place because you're here!

Sisters and Friends

Oh, oops - that other article dated today was supposed to run on "discuss articles" Monday.  But it's there now. So I'm gonna go ahead and do a celebration post today and skip Monday:) Because my sis and her family will be here, and because you already got Monday's article.

Speaking of sisters, I love sisters.  I love that I can not talk to my sisters for weeks and they don't get mad.  And things are fine, and the same.  I love that we are a ready-made posse.  I love that we can fight but I never worry that they will stop loving me and I never think of stopping loving them. I love that they are SO LOYAL. (Loyalty is a theme with me).  I love their honesty when I'm wrong and their encouragement when I'm actually getting it right.  I love their sense of humor. I love their permanency in my life.  I love that they get me.  I love them.  Tons.

I also love my friends who are like sisters.  I have a few in a few different states, including NY:) A sister friend doesn't always have to be someone we've known for forever. But her friendship is comfortable. Let's be honest - female friendship can be a mine field sometimes.  You wonder if that friend is offended, if this one feels left out, if they think you are neglecting them.  Ugh! I don't think I am particularly good at being a friend.  I can tend to forget birthdays and other important dates.  I can be offensive.  I can crawl into a hole and disappear for awhile.  I can get in moods where I over-analyze everything. So I tend not to keep acquaintance friends very well. 

But the girls who are friends like sisters - who still talk to me like it hasn't been 3 weeks, who forgive my trespasses against them, who love me for who I am, who help me be brave, who totally have my back - I love you.  Thank you.  Several of these girls read (and contribute) to this blog, and I just want you to know that even though this summer has been a blur and we have been slogging through our separate little piles of crap I still appreciate you and couldn't live without you.  I think you are amazing, inspiring, and anyone who thinks otherwise, send them my way and I'll set them straight.

Even if we don't have sisters, or sisters who are friends, we probably all have someone who is a sister friend.  And our world is inhabitable because of them.

Watch Responsibly

I came across this article via a Facebook friend.  I thought of Amanda's Pull of the Moon comment about romantic comedies and the misunderstanding between Martin and Nan about romance.

So what do you think about this?  What do I think about this?

While I am not a big romantic comedy fan, I must admit that on occasion I have found myself falling for the lies of romantic comedies. And even books of the Christian marriage-help variety.  And have placed unrealistic expectations on my husband as a result.  When he is really a great guy just the way he is.  Bear in mind that he just took me on an utterly romantic Lake Placid getaway.

The pornography comparison ... do you think that's too strong?  I thought she had some good points.  Although, c'mon - there's a helluva lotta porn out there for men without them trying.  The big Victoria's Secret ads in the mall store windows?  The undergrads trotting around campus?  Commercials during football games?  We women can indulge in a little porn of The Notebook variety, right?  I don't deny men a little bit of viewing pleasure if we get our Pride and Prejudice.  Ahhhh, Mr. Darcy.  Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I think we have to be wary of unrealistic expectations our culture cultivates in us.  I think people should be appreciated for who they are, especially when they are trying their best in relationships with us.  I don't think husbands should get away with being boorish, calloused jerks. But I think there is a standard that is unrealistic.  You can be a little awkward about sharing your feelings, buddy, if you're ok with me not looking like Brooklyn Decker.

I'm going to borrow the Catholic phrase "everything in moderation" and add "except if you're an addict."  I had never thought of there being women addicted to notions of romance.  I suppose we can get addicted to anything, and turn harmless things into dangerous ones. 

I catch a "chick flick" maybe once a year, so taking this out of my life would be barely noticeable.  But I must say, it would be really so sad for the world to lose even the notion of something so wonderful as Mr. Darcy;)