If feminism means doing it all, that is a really sucky deal.
I don't think it does, even though if you look at my life, you would swear I do. Things look pretty good from the outside. But inside things are melting down fast. I attempted to tell Jeff about it this weekend. That's a really nice way of framing what happened. The result was that Jeff asked if he could take the laundry chores from me, I said no, and he proceeded to throw things with zippers in a load with delicates without telling me. "They were all colors," he said.
So that didn't go too well. He did agree to stay away from the laundry.
We tried to figure out what he could do to lighten my load. What I tried to tell him is that I want to be the boss of the house and he can just do what I ask. He kept pretending like he didn't hear me and over and over said, "What can I take over?" What is it with men wanting to take over stuff? Well, I don't want him to take over anything that I have been handling. Finally, I got tired of arguing and said that he was in charge of homework and school papers. I would no longer be checking backpacks. I would no longer be running around looking for kids' permission slips the morning they are due. But then my heart seized up a little and I begged him to keep me in the loop like I do for him. I can't pry my fingers off of home duties that I have convinced myself are my sole responsibility, but I'm going to kill myself and alienate my family if I don't cede more ground.
Work is worse. My program is facing real trouble. I am secretly fearful that its not helping our participants.
And I have been spending lots of energy and time working out models and researching and making presentations. I get asked to trouble shoot, get none of the credit , and the real power lies to make the decisions of consequence lie above my pay grade.
Last week, we had a speaker come in and talk to our participants about stress relief. The lady was kind of new-agey and into wheatgrass and chakras and stuff that can be easy for me write off. She had us doing these relaxation exercises and I admit that I do like relaxation exercises. She gave us this sheet of stress-relief techniques that made my heart kind of twinge in the way that makes me wonder if God might be trying to get through to me. Nah. I am not superstitious. I must be practical and clear-eyed.
We broke up with our church awhile ago. Yeah, that's one of those ugly little things about Christianity - we can't coexist in one big church. Anyway, we have been visiting other churches. There is one that Molly really likes - and if I had to choose today I would pick that one as well. The pastor has been going over "incredible moments of Jesus' life," and it is the kind of series that makes me say, "Yep - that's why I stick with this. Because of him (Jesus)." Molly and I were discussing the most recent message, which was about how Jesus' last act of freewill as a human being was to bring healing to an enemy who didn't deserve it, and to tell the disciples - "No - stop trying to bring my kingdom your way (mad acts of violence)!" The pastor challenged us to check a box on this card in the seats that said "This week I will pray 'Your will be done, not mine.'" I partly checked it as a test - if anybody calls me, strike for that church. But I have a meeting tomorrow at work that it will be very beneficial for me, after all of the plotting and politicking and planning I've done to sit back and do breathing exercises and say, "Not my will, but yours." I partly checked it because of this stuff that I have been handling in my own strength with my own brainpower. Being smart enough and strong enough only goes so far and then its just exhausting and empty. If that argument can even be made; the view from the other side is that I've just made things worse.
Anyway, Molly said she always wonders what that means - letting God's will be done. Does that mean we sit back and let things happen and don't make plans or do anything?
Great question, kiddo. Teenagers can ask the best questions sometimes.
I said I didn't think so - I think it means we don't work ourselves into knots after we make our plans. You do your best, and then at some point you let it go.
And then I think God said something like "So why did you presume that I don't speak though the new-age lady, Miss Smartypants?" Or maybe that's what God would have said if he were speaking through me, which thank Him, He probably doesn't do all that much.
My will gets me only so far and then it trips me up. I haven't figured out where the line is where helpful switches to hurtful. I let go and then I lunge forward and grab.I want to release but I am afraid to.
Breathe in, breathe out, not my will but yours be done. I'm trying it for one week (let's pretend I've not failed repeatedly today). It has to be better than what I've been doing.
