You Need to Hear Me Say "I Suck", and I Need to Say It

As my kids get older, I find it more necessary to protect their privacy. So the amount of cute and funny stories I tell others decreases, and so does my "processing" of tough parenting issues. Of course, the cuteness and funniness of the stories also decreases, while the toughness of the parenting issues increases in direct proportions. In the process, I start withdrawing from the gritty everyday rubbing of actual shoulders, only letting others see our lives from the most flattering angle and from afar. "Oh hi Facebook friends, sorry I'm soooo busy and out of touch. Here are my lovely vacation pics. Toodles!" (Really, look on my Facebook page. You'll gag at how accurate that portrayal is. Especially if you are one my friends with whom I used to have actual phone conversations or real life interactions).

We scratch and claw through our way to the ends of school years, but others see me smiling and waving from my Forester as I pick kids up and drop them off. We transition to whirlwind summers of camps and trips. When this school year started with only a few little hiccups and no real problems, at least as defined by a seasoned mama like me, I seized upon feelings of  "An easy stage- yes please! This is going to be a great year!"

Lurking in our midst was a real problem. The kind that one cannot handle on one's own and cannot be hidden from others. Beware of the myth of the easy stage.

In the face of such problems, I wrestle an urge to put the house on lock down until everything is back to "normal." I am a very independent person who handles my own shit all by myself and feel as if that is a favor I am doing for everyone else. When I start becoming exhausted of keeping us afloat (I am not a natural floater and expend lots of energy treading water), I remember that reaching out to the circle of  support surrounding me is a useful survival skill.

What I think both Feminism and Christianity have to offer here: life is not meant to be lived alone, but in community. And that's why I am posting. Sure I can go through life shouting to everyone around "I can do it MYSELF!" (In my mind's eye I see my youngest child at age 3 struggling with a zipper, shooting me daggers with narrowed eyes and stomping her feet). You can too. And we can just flail away inches from one another, almost drowning while our children look on and learn no other way to manage.

I want to hear you say how awesome I am and maybe sometimes I need that. But. Sometimes, you need to hear me say "I suck", and I need to say it. Because we are in the trenches beside one another, fighting the same battles, on the same side, where there is no place for pretense. Daughters might technically be behind the battle lines, safe as we adults fight for the world they live in, but someday (soon for some) they will be in the trenches fighting beside us. I do no daughter any favors by pretending that I do not make mistakes or need others, or that I alone hold the keys to her health and happiness.

That "it takes a village" cliche that has become so worn-out is actually very, very true. Just as no relationship is the end-all, be-all .... my children need more women to turn to than me. I have always believed this and tried to cultivate this, but there are times this is sorely tested. I can never be, nor would I want to be, the only friend to one of my friends. My husband needs other friends than me, and I need friendships beyond his. My daughters need other adult examples, voices, and influence to become the fullest, healthiest versions of themselves. And I am glad they have them. I will continue to protect the space for that to happen for them. Though I do this, though I want to do anything to ensure that my kids will be ok, that just can't be guaranteed. Which I believe is the hardest truth a parent has to look in the eye.