Time to Let Go

This morning I read a most beautiful post on a friend's facebook page. I very rarely read anything truly profound on facebook, but this morning her post was lovely in every way. One facet of her writing described how she surrendered to a recent life-changing experience and is discovering what it means to let go of her normal expectations and orientation of her life.  Besides being grateful for the beauty imparted by her story, some things finally broke through the surface of my personal life.

Why have I been living life as if there is some big test I will have to pass? As if everything will be evaluated. I can be a gross underachiever, but mostly I am an overachiever. If there are grades, I want an A plus. If there is a race shirt that names the event and underneath has "Marathon, Half Marathon, 5K" I sure as hell will not be running the 5K and probably will only run the marathon. And I will want a PR.  And to be in the top 25% of my age category. I want to be referred to as a good wife and mother. On employee evaluations I want the highest possible scores and of course the highest possible raise. I want to bring a dish that I bring none of home.

This is ruining me - my character. Chipping away at my marriage. Probably alienating friends. Sending my daughters messages that the standards they must aspire to are impossible to reach but they should, at much personal cost, try to reach them anyway.

In Ecclesiastes there is a well-worn passage about a season for everything. A time to be born and die, keep and throw away, speak and keep silent, etc. I have realized what season this is for me. 

It is time to let go.

Let go of trying so hard, competing, worrying, keeping score, trying to figure it all out and do it all.

In the dark and putrid recesses of my heart, I have felt that it is so noble of me to be doing this move for my husband. This is all for his benefit, the nasty hidden me thinks, and he really owes me so much.

As if Providence does not move in ways that all lives are touched and I stand alone untouched as a pillar of sacrifice.  This move, I think, shifted the bedrock of my life in order to jar me into seeing that I need to save me from myself. And/Or save those I love from myself. 

This will be the last entry on this blog. At this point in my timeline, it is part of what I need to let go of. I will continue to chronicle my family's life on An Attempt  .  Thank you for riding along and I hope that your time here has enhanced your life in some way.  I wish you good things as you journey forward.