Circadian Rhythms

It is 1 pm.  I have not worked out, showered or done many household chores. Just the absolute bare necessities.

Do you know what I have accomplished in the past 24 hours? I even skimped on sleep to achieve my feat.  I read an entire novel.  That I paid full price for at the bookstore 24 hours ago.  I mean, I did a few things.  But really, who spends 16 bucks on a book and blows through it in 24 hours? Me.

I suppose I should snap myself out of this by the fact that as of lunchtime today, my kids are home for the summer.  With me.  All day. I do love spending time with my kids in the summer. But, I do not get the guaranteed 2 hours when both of them are at school at the same time, to myself.  That time does wonders for me.  Like their naps did when they were little.  Maybe I'll have to institute naps again.  Not a bad idea.  That way I won't hit the 24 hour reading binge. As often.

We're cutting to the chase now: this is less about my fiction addiction and more about my uncomfortable relationship with being a stay at home mom.  I think it has been the right decision for our family. If there had been a different mother on duty.

I am schizophrenic about my stay at home mothering.  I love my kids and think they are amazing people.  I think they have had great opportunities and learned things because I have been with them a lot.

I also think I've messed them up a little.

Really, I am not good at being a stay at home mom.  At all.  I get tired of make-believe.  I have trouble balancing playing with my children and cleaning up after the mess that happens when people, especially kids, are in a house all day. I am not good at making play dates for my kids and especially not making connections with other mommies. Just the idea of Mommy Social Functions can cause me to break into a cold, anxious sweat. My idea of a great day with the kids: we take a picnic and books and the dog and sit by a lake and read all day. Sometimes I have trouble with the idea that my husband works with brilliant, classy women (or hot undergrads) all day long and comes home to ... the novel reader who didn't shower.  Good grief, that man must been knocked silly when he fell for me way back when to still appear ok with being married to me. 

On the other hand, I'm glad that in the summer my kids can sleep in and lounge and ride their bikes around or play in their playhouse or whatever they want to.  I'm glad they can be involved in their after school stuff.  I'm glad I can be there for them when they're sick.  This stuff couldn't happen if I worked.  Daddy travels and works evenings a lot, and grandmas and aunts are a 9 hour drive away. But guess what? This fall it all changes, and I learn what working full time will feel like on my family for awhile. 

The battlefield of whether we should work in or out of our homes is the one on which we suffer some of our worst wounds.  We have to sacrifice, either way.  Very few women can have it all.  I personally don't know a single one.  I know some who have amazing careers and do very important work in the world.  They are very respected and accomplished.  They also tell me that they wish they had more time with their kids, that they almost work for nothing with what they pay in child care costs.  Taking a day off when they are sick is like performing a magic trick with all the complexity it throws into their schedules, and they wish sometimes they could let the baby sleep instead of waking them up at 5 am.  I also know smart women who had good jobs that wonder if they should have interrupted their careers to make the choice to stay home with their kids.  They wonder what would happen if their husbands left them and if they will be able to pick up where they left off.  They wonder if they should have made financial sacrifices to be at home with the kids, and if they've lost a piece of themselves to this life they've chosen.

We all know it's more nuanced and complicated than what I've just described.  You might have a firm decision one way or the other. But if you are a mom, you know you have made a sacrifice of some sort so well it's as if you hold it in your hand constantly and have memorized the feel of it completely.  The "what if" is the ghost that turns up on your sleepless nights.

It can drive us mad, these things. Make us unsure of ourselves.  We for some reason still think there is a perfect woman who has the perfect solution and is living the perfect life.  But we are who we are. We do the best we can.  We have days of triumph and days of defeat.

I suppose that's why I like the idea of us being in this together.  There are days I need to feel the optimism of the high you are on, and there are days when I need to lend my strength to you. My heart swells with pride hearing from a friend that she got that grant she worked late many nights writing a proposal for.  And my heart melts when I watch another friend building forts with couch cushions with her boys, as if there were nothing else in the world she would rather be doing. I have so many friends who are great moms, and none of them are mothering the same way.  I couldn't choose which one I would want to be even if I were given the opportunity. Our lives follow cycles that may overlap or fall into rhythm with one another, or serve as the focal point of inspiration or the nudge from behind that keeps us moving. 

Whoever Me the Mom is, she is forever morphing into something else. Sometimes I do ok. Other times ... a reset button should exist.

Oh wait, it does.  It's called  "fiction novels."